Current favourite jokes

[Demetrius]

The anti-Fort William season. 16 matches, 16 wins, 293:0

28:0, 19:0, 10:0, 28:0, 4:0, 20:0, 26:0, 13:0, 17:0, 16:0, 14:0, 19:0, 15:0, 22:0, 10:0, 32:0

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S.L._Benfica_(women%27s_football)

Edit: Argh, wrong thread. Actually a bit of a joke though

[MrGongGong]

[Nick Armstrong]

When I told the doctor that my crossword puzzle addiction was making me depressed, he told me not to get two down

[Edgy 2]

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

[LMcD]

What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt'

[johncorrigan]

What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt'

Why were one, two, three, four, five and six scared of seven?
'Cos seven eight nine!

[Edgy 2]

[johncorrigan]

Paul Mayhew Archer in the paper yesterday:

The funniest sketch I’ve ever heard …

"I produced Andy Hamilton and Nick Revell’s Million Pound Radio Show. It included a sketch where a pirate crew threatened mutiny unless the Cap’n provided a training day, “preferably in a nice hotel near Hastings. Where all us sea dogs can pool our experience, prioritise objectives and improve our communication skills. There’s not a man on this ship what knows how to use any tense apart from the present.”

and...


The funniest TV show I’ve ever seen …

"This Country has me helpless with laughter. “Mum, there’s no holes in my crumpets.” “Well, turn them over.” “Oh yeah, there they are.”

[Dave2002]

Why were one, two, three, four, five and six scared of seven?
'Cos seven eight nine!

Similar construction.

A group of animals wanted to swim in a cross channel race, starting from the French side. The favourite was a horse called Henry. He was given a number of 276. Another was a dog called - original - Rover - roll the ‘r’s. He was given a number of 721 There were two cats, one given a number 123, and the other 987. There were also some other animals too numerous to mention.

On the day of the race the horse set off fast, running straight out to sea for half a mile, before having to swim. Unfortunately he ran out of strength half way and had to be rescued by one of the race boats. The dog was doing well until the three quarter mark, but then he fell hungry, became distracted and gave up. Many other animals gradually fell out of the race leaving the two cats at the front. However the race boats lost sight of them, so radioed back to the finishing line to watch out for the winners.

Eventually one of the cats was sighted, and it was very tired, but just made it to the shore. After a minute to recover she was asked how she felt about the win, and how it had come about.

“Ah, it was going quite well (you can do this in French if you like ...), and then there were just us cats out in front. Then, sadly, un deux trois quatre cinq.”

[Serial_Apologist]

Similar construction.

A group of animals wanted to swim in a cross channel race, starting from the French side. The favourite was a horse called Henry. He was given a number of 276. Another was a dog called - original - Rover - roll the ‘r’s. He was given a number of 721 There were two cats, one given a number 123, and the other 987. There were also some other animals too numerous to mention.

On the day of the race the horse set off fast, running straight out to sea for half a mile, before having to swim. Unfortunately he ran out of strength half way and had to be rescued by one of the race boats. The dog was doing well until the three quarter mark, but then he fell hungry, became distracted and gave up. Many other animals gradually fell out of the race leaving the two cats at the front. However the race boats lost sight of them, so radioed back to the finishing line to watch out for the winners.

Eventually one of the cats was sighted, and it was very tired, but just made it to the shore. After a minute to recover she was asked how she felt about the win, and how it had come about.

“Ah, it was going quite well (you can do this in French if you like ...), and then there were just us cats out in front. Then, sadly, un deux trois quatre cinq.”

Quatrestrophic!

[Vox Humana]

Quatrestrophic!

Are you feline OK?

[Serial_Apologist]

Are you feline OK?

Purrfect, thank you!

[LMcD]

A friend of mine asked me to name three makes/models of car that begin with P.
Although I don't know much about cars, I felt pleased that I managed to offer him Peugeot, Prius and Polo.
'I'm sorry', he said, 'but I think you'll find that they all start with gasoline'.

[johncorrigan]

A friend of mine asked me to name three makes/models of car that begin with P.
Although I don't know much about cars, I felt pleased that I managed to offer him Peugeot, Prius and Polo.
'I'm sorry', he said, 'but I think you'll find that they all start with gasoline'.

Right, that's enough! Diesel have to stop!

[Edgy 2]

I wanted to paint my suit of armour white, so I went to B&Q to buy some metal paint.
I was dubious with the tin they tried to sell me as it seemed to be cream, but the assistant assured me it would be all white on the knight.