Current favourite jokes

[umslopogaas]

[not original, obviously, but a response you might wish you'd had a chance to make]

Jean Harlow to Margot Asquith: "Pleased to meet you, Margott."

Margot Asquith: "Mar-go, my dear, the t is silent as in Harlow."

[BBMmk2]

A dog owner comes back from getting a Christmas tree, went into the lounge and the dog thought, ah indoor plumbing!!!

[LeMartinPecheur]

Selected highlights from church notices (much joy in Heaven??):

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

[Ferretfancy]

If you are tired of sin. come inside. If not, telephone....

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

Another bad day for me - I tried to get a patent on my latest invention: foootwear for the beach for one-legged people.





It was a flop.

[Padraig]

Another bad day for me - I tried to get a patent on my latest invention: foootwear for the beach for one-legged people.





It was a flop.

Flip!

I was hopping for something for the summer.

[Nick Armstrong]

Dyslexia cost me my job in IT.

Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files'

[EdgeleyRob]

My friend is very poorly so I went round to see him.
I took an I pad,some DVDs and some ready meals.
Hopefully he is too sick to notice they've gone.

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

As if that wasn't bad enough, I had a disturbed night - the security alarm went off, and when I went downstairs, there was this bloke wearing a rugby shirt, a baseball hat, golf shoes and a pair of cricket pads.

"Oi!" I shouted at him, "What's your game!"

[Nick Armstrong]

[pastoralguy]

[Stan Drews]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven, Sir."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully.

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!!!"

A very angry Teacher: "Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?"

A very angry Johnny: "Because,....I've already got a soddin' cat!!!"

[Ant]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.
Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play
at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for
being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with
no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I
finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Regards Ant

[Flay]

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and taramasalata.

It's a double dip recession.

[Nick Armstrong]

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and taramasalata.

It's a double dip recession.

oh I like it!