Current favourite jokes

[Beef Oven!]

Answering a knock at the door, I looked around and couldn't see anybody.

As I was just about to close the door, I heard a voice say 'got any food?'

I looked down and it was a snail on the step.

I just said 'get away' and booted it as hard as I could off my step and saw it roll down the road.

6 weeks later, there was a knock at the door and it was that snail again.

I looked at him, and he said 'what did you do that for'?

[muzzer]

With apologies if this has been done before......

An Englishman, and Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a bar.

The barman says "Is this some of joke?"

[EdgeleyRob]

I went into into a chemist today and asked "Have you got any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"Do you mean aspirin" asked the pharmacist.
I said "That's it! I can never remember the name!"

[Ant]

Hello Rob,

Why aren't there any aspirins in the jungle? Because the parrots ate 'em all...

Regards Ant

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

What floats in an oven off the coast of Cornwall?

The Pyrex of Penzance.

[Sir Velo]

The wife asked if her mother could come down for Christmas."OK", I said, "but I want her back in the loft by midnight".

---

The four stages of life:
1.You believe in Santa.
2.You don’t believe in Santa.
3. You dress up as Santa.
4.You look like Santa.

[Ant]

Then there was the chap who called his mother-in-law "Exocet" because he knew she was coming and there wasn't a darn thing he could do about it!

Regards Ant, who actually had no complaints at all about _his_ mother-in-law!

[amateur51]

I went into into a chemist today and asked "Have you got any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"Do you mean aspirin" asked the pharmacist.
I said "That's it! I can never remember the name!"

[amateur51]

With apologies if this has been done before......

An Englishman, and Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a bar.

The barman says "Is this some of joke?"

Very post-Modern muzzer - and it still made me laugh

[LeMartinPecheur]

Why aren't there any aspirins in the jungle? Because the parrots ate 'em all...

Oh GOD, I've only just got that one...

[Jonathan]

Sent to me by a friend:

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now".

[EdgeleyRob]

I've bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from 'Troys R Us.'

[EdgeleyRob]

Idris Elba was asked what drew him to the role of Nelson Mandela in the new film.

He said, "Its apartheid always wanted to play".

[Beef Oven!]

My mate always wanted to be run-over by a steam train.

When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

[Beef Oven!]

Bought some Armageddon cheese in borough market on Friday. On the label it says 'Best before end'.