Current favourite jokes

[Flay]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

[Flay]

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were in casts. I think that's what gave me the courage.

[Flay]

Things got worse. The bigger kids would constantly beat me up.

So I started working out every day after school and before I knew it I had worked out how to open my dad's gun chest.

I'll get me anorak...

[Flay]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Goodnight!

[Chris Newman]

How can you tell Irish double bass players are romantic by nature?

By the wapping great hickeys on their necks.

[Chris Newman]

Supposedly true.

Reporter: Sir Thomas, have you ever conducted any Stockhausen?

Sir Thomas Beecham: Ee, well. Ah can't say Ah ever 'ave, young man, but Ah've put me foot in some.

__________________________________________________ _________________________________

Blodwen from North Wales unfortunately found herself in the family way. The family had a whip round and gave her the money to go to Harley Street in London and see a specialist who might assist her in avoiding embarrassment back at home. She got to Harley Street and had no idea which specialist to ask. Then she saw a sign saying "Dr Ralph Vaughan Williams".

"Ah!" she thought. "See now. If this is a Dr Vaughan Williams he might be Welsh and sympathetic to my predicament." So she rang the bell and waited.

A maid answered the door: "May I be of help?"

"Well, I would be wishing to see Dr Vaughan Williams."

"Oh, dear. He is rather busy at the moment. Actually he is orchestrating The Men of Harlech."

The young lady looked rather surprised and blurted out: "Now, look you. He is a bit late for that. Why couldn't he have done that three months ago...."

[ahinton]

Leonid Kogan and David Oistrakh were sitting in a pub near the Stage Door of the Tchaikovsky Concert Hall, and drinking vodka.

"Leonid! Tell me - could you play the Brahms Concerto after two double vodkas?"

"Certainly! Without blinking!"

"But after three - could you play it after three?"

"Probably! Very probably!"

"But tell me, Leonid - could you play the Brahms Concerto after four double vodkas?"

"No, David - but I could conduct it!"

This one reminds me of the occasion on which, having each just given concerts, Heifetz and Milstein met in a restaurant and the maître d' brought to the table a sealed enveloped addressed to "the greatest violinist in the world". Handing the envelope to Heifetz, Milstein said "well, Jascha, this is obviously for you!". Heifetz, however, in a rare moment of modesty, replied "oh, no, Nathan; it must be for you!". A couple more passings of the envelope followed, after which Heifetz finally agreed, with some relucatance, to open it. He took out the letter enclosed in it and began to read it. "Dear Fritz..."

[Al R Gando]

Two flautists were taking a Music Theory test, and agreed to coach each other before the exam.

"What's the subdominant of F-major?"

"Must be a misprint - F-major is already the subdominant!"

[ahinton]

Whilst there have been reference here to violins, flutes and other music-related contexts, mention of the viola has yet to be made; I am in no sense recommending that anyone does this and hope that mine will be the only instance, even though it took place during a recording session at a time of year just after the silly season is usually considered to have ended.

Record producer to composer: *e***e ******e is the best viola player joke I've ever heard; he plays beautifully and in tune all the time! (I might add that *e***e ******e knows, has told and has also probably invented more viola jokes than anyone else on earth)...

[Mr Pee]

Whilst there have been reference here to violins, flutes and other music-related contexts, mention of the viola has yet to be made; I am in no sense recommending that anyone does this and hope that mine will be the only instance, even though it took place during a recording session at a time of year just after the silly season is usually considered to have ended.

Record producer to composer: *e***e ******e is the best viola player joke I've ever heard; he plays beautifully and in tune all the time! (I might add that *e***e ******e knows, has told and has also probably invented more viola jokes than anyone else on earth)...

I don't get it.......

[Al R Gando]

mention of the viola has yet to be made

Yet there are many concertos for the viola.

While there are none for the Second Violin.

[ahinton]

I don't get it.......

Ah - not for the first time, methinks! How sad for you; never mind, you'll surely "get" over "it"...

[Chris Newman]

This one reminds me of the occasion on which, having each just given concerts, Heifetz and Milstein met in a restaurant and the maître d' brought to the table a sealed enveloped addressed to "the greatest violinist in the world". Handing the envelope to Heifetz, Milstein said "well, Jascha, this is obviously for you!". Heifetz, however, in a rare moment of modesty, replied "oh, no, Nathan; it must be for you!". A couple more passings of the envelope followed, after which Heifetz finally agreed, with some relucatance, to open it. He took out the letter enclosed in it and began to read it. "Dear Fritz..."

This reminds me of a true story told to me by a then member of the BBCNOW. My friend's name is Cohen and the orchestra were on a European tour with Robert Cohen as soloist playing alternately in concerts the Elgar and Dvorak Cello Concerti. One night, I forget where, after a concert my friend was sitting and relaxing in his hotel room in front of the TV when a concierge delivered a box of chocolates and a bottle of bubbly addressed to Mr R. Cohen. Then a bachelor, he wondered who it was from and started to sip and munch. A while later another hotel guest knocked at his door and apologetically asked if some items had come by mistake: the guest was Robert Cohen. My friend admitted they had and that he was enjoying them. Robert Cohen thought it was wonderful as the hotel had realised the mistake and sent him a replacement. They polished off both bottles together and have remained best of friends. They never found out who the secret admirer was.

[Ariosto]

Yet there are many concertos for the viola.

While there are none for the Second Violin.

A Dmajor scale in one octave is a concerto for a second violin ...

[Al R Gando]

A Dmajor scale in one octave is a concerto for a second violin ...

They'd still start on an up-bow...