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"...the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."
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Sorry Cal,meant the technical support jokeOriginally posted by Caliban View Post
which was new to me.
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Hello Hafod et al,
Firstly - Hafod, what do you call yourself in winter?
Secondly - Answering Machine messages...
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1. Hello. I'm Igor's answering machine. What are you?
2. Hi, this is Igor's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
3. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone ...
4. [Very fast] Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and ...BEEP!
5. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
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School Answering Machine
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please
listen to all the options before making a selection:
"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1.
"To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2.
"To complain about what we do - Press 3.
"To swear at staff members - Press 4.
"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5.
"If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6.
"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7.
"To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8.
"To complain about bus transport - Press 9.
"To complain about school lunches - Press 0.
"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!
"If you want this in other languages, you're obviously in the wrong country. This is England, now b****r off."
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Mental Hospital Answering Machine
Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want; stay on the line so that we can trace your call .
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded
to the Mother Ship .
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press .
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press, nothing will make you happy anyway .
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 .
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep . Please wait for the beep.
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Hello caller, this is the fridge; the answering machine is busy at present but if you'd like to leave a message I'll stick it to my door for later...
Hello caller, sorry but the Master and Mistress are busy at present. He likes to go up and down, she likes to go from side to side - and when they've finished cleaning their teeth they'll come down to see who rang...
Regards AntComment
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Bound to happen in a thread this long.Originally posted by Caliban View Post
Besides - you can't keep a good joke down.
Here's another (at the risk of repeating a previous posting).
At last the Prime Minister Gordon Brown decided to throw in the towel and resign.
His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."
"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472.
"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."
"Oh. Well. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."
"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company: there was even one called Dwight D Eisenhower."
"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"
Well, said the consultant, "on the cost side, you couldn't have picked a better engine. All you have to do is paint out the 'F'."Comment
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Originally posted by hafod View PostBound to happen in a thread this long.
Besides - you can't keep a good joke down.
"...the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."
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I was unaware that this was the original source.Originally posted by mercia View Post
You read more widely than I do.
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The origin of this is obscure. The clip below claims it is genuine and from an Australian school but the recorded voice is most certainly not Australian and the spelling is not perfect either.Originally posted by Ant View Post
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Goldberg went to see his doctor.
”I’m worried - my libido has disappeared and I have no sex life. Can you help?”
“Well” said the doctor, “l recommend exercise for starters. Walk for ten miles each day for a week then call me and we’ll see how you are”
A week later, he rang the doctor.
“And how’s your sex life now?”
“How should I know? I’m 70 miles from home!”
Heard on “Stop the Week”, in the days when the BBC had some standards.Comment
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Alistair Cook's answering machine.
"Hello, we're all out again....".
(Cook is the England cricket captain for the unaware !!)I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own.
I am not a number, I am a free man.Comment
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"Comment
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Chemistry joke:
Oxygen and Magnesium went out on a date together!
OMG!Comment
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A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"
A graduate with a Media Studies degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"Comment
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".Comment
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