Current favourite jokes

[Richard Tarleton]

I don't think this has appeared on this thread before - forgive me if it has.

Husband: I overheard the butcher say he'd slept with every woman in our road except one

Wife: Ha! That'll be that stuck-up cow at no 27.

[Ant]

Thankyou Richard, when I heard it it was the milkman!

As in the time I came home very early from work, found my wife on her hands and knees tidying the cupboard under the sink. So I patted her bottom and she said "Two pints please!"

Regards Ant

[Richard Tarleton]

Thankyou Richard, when I heard it it was the milkman!

As in the time I came home very early from work, found my wife on her hands and knees tidying the cupboard under the sink. So I patted her bottom and she said "Two pints please!"

Regards Ant

Thanks! Yes logically it should be the milkman.....

[amateur51]

"A colleague received a call from a member of the public asking for an "extermination certificate". Careful questioning revealed that he wanted a (health service) exemption certificate."

There used to be a rather dreadful "invalid car", three wheeler, fibreglass, only in pale blue I suspect, available for deserving cases. I knew a young lady who had managed to overturn three of them and she always referred to "the exhilarator pedal" and I could never be sure if it was a clever joke or not. I think not!

Regards Ant

delightful!

[Nick Armstrong]

Thankyou Richard, when I heard it it was the milkman!

As in the time I came home very early from work, found my wife on her hands and knees tidying the cupboard under the sink. So I patted her bottom and she said "Two pints please!"

Love it !

[LeMartinPecheur]

If we're onto malapropisms, a colleague of my late father once mentioned, in the context of hospitals, the paedriatic department.

The Da', quick as a flash, "That's the sea between two incontinents, isn't it?"

[Ant]

Hello all,

A gentleman I knew often mixed-up his syllables, one day he was telling me about his favourite musician, Mantanavi. His son-in-law standing nearby nearly wet himself when I said "Mantanavi? Is he that famous vionilist?" and he confirmed yes, that was him!

Regards Ant

[Flay]

Not really a joke, but today I heard one of the best Malapropisms I've heard for a long time.

A colleague received a call from a member of the public asking for an "extermination certificate". Careful questioning revealed that he wanted a (health service) exemption certificate.

Once an elderly patient of mine complained that although she felt much better now her anaemia had been treated, she could not face eating any more raw liver.

I had actually advised that she should eat more liver

[Ferretfancy]

Once an elderly patient of mine complained that although she felt much better now her anaemia had been treated, she could not face eating any more raw liver.

I had actually advised that she should eat more liver

Nice one Flay, perhaps she remembered that in her youth raw liver was the only treatment for pernicious anaemia.

[Sir Velo]

Once an elderly patient of mine complained that although she felt much better now her anaemia had been treated, she could not face eating any more raw liver.

I had actually advised that she should eat more liver

Sounds like her hearing might have needed testing as well...

[pastoralguy]

Sounds like her hearing might have needed testing as well...

Pardon...

[Nick Armstrong]

Jokes can be useful....

This news just in:

[mangerton]

Jokes can be useful....

This news just in:

Reminds me of the story in the local paper (from a West of Scotland town, not famed for the erudition of its inhabitants) about a young man who took a prescription to a the pharmacist, stole a charity collection tin from the counter, and was apparently very surprised to find the police awaiting his arrival when he got home.

[Petrushka]

Jokes can be useful....

This news just in:

Brilliant!

[remdataram]

BUNNINGS JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings,
a major hardware store in Burleigh Heads.
They recruited him because he was so funny....

NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Julia Gillard style redundancy package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 45lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer,
so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs and
who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After landing my new job as a Bunnings "Greeter" -
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7,
why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe
someone shagged you twice....
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.