Current favourite jokes

[teamsaint]

Comes the response, "I thought you looked somewhat drawn this morning".

or "I think you need to pull yourself together".

[Bryn]

or "I think you need to pull yourself together".

But the joke is in not receiving that very response.

[teamsaint]

But the joke is in not receiving that very response.

is it?

I think I must have been blind to that.

[Flay]

is it?

I think I must have been blind to that.

There's a blackout on the net at the moment. It's a pane.

[Flay]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[HARRIET HAVARD]

When asked by a friend why he kept on hitting his thumb with a hammer, Fred replied "because it's so nice when I stop".

Having taken just about as much as I can stand of Essential Classics this morning, and switched it off, I know what Fred meant!

[Serial_Apologist]

Asked what it had been like dancing with Gina Lollabridgida, Arthur Askey answered that it had been all right, but that he hadn't been able to see where he was going, or hear the music.

[Nick Armstrong]

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Ba-dumm tschhhhhhhh.



Thank you, Doctor.

[Flay]

This thread is better than Prozac!

[Beef Oven!]

I'm not enjoying reading so much these days.

I've just finished The Thesauraus.

I thought it was rubbish, dross, garbage, trash, refuse, junk, pointless, useless, redundant, superfluous..............................

[Serial_Apologist]

When it comes to a bad case of the sore ass it's best to lay off curries for a while, I've always found.

[teamsaint]

I'm not enjoying reading so much these days.

I've just finished The Thesauraus.

I thought it was rubbish, dross, garbage, trash, refuse, junk, pointless, useless, redundant, superfluous..............................

[johncorrigan]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

That were one fine joke there, flay. Thanks!

[EdgeleyRob]

Bill and Jim were sitting on a bridge fishing when a hearse went by.
Bill put down his rod,removed his hat and bowed his head.
After the hearse had passed Jim said "Bill that was really nice showing respect for the dead like that".
To which Bill replied "It was the least I could do, we would have been married 40 years next month".

[EdgeleyRob]

My doctor called me in this morning and said that one of my main organs seemed to be in a very irregular place in my body.

My heart was in my mouth.