Current favourite jokes

[johncorrigan]

The news from the Met this last couple of days reminded me of watching 'Pointless' on the box one afternoon. In answer to the question 'First female Chief of the Metropolitan Police - (CD)', the contestant suggested 'Caressa Dick'.

[Boilk]

...In answer to the question 'First female Chief of the Metropolitan Police - (CD)', the contestant suggested 'Caressa Dick'.

"Caressa Dick": no doubt emanating from the mental fog Venn diagram overlap of Two Fat Ladies celebrity cook (the late) Clarissa Dickson Wright and Cressida Dick.

[oddoneout]

I'm sure it has occurred to many others by now but the abbreviation for the new Minister's office is wonderfully unfortunate - Brexit Opportunities however one wants to interpret it - and adding the tag on doesn't exactly help - GOVernment Efficiencies. Quite apart from doubling up the nonsense of a minister for two impossibilities...

[Guest]

[Serial_Apologist]

I loved Mark Steel's answer to this question on today's The News Quiz

"What is to be found inside one third of Americans?"

"A bullet".

It actually turned out to be traces of a toxic herbicide.

[johncorrigan]

Watching BBC 4 last night with Mark thingy interviewing Barry Cryer - Barry told a story about Humphrey Littleton getting interviewed by Radio Clyde.
At one point the interviewer says to Humph: 'I hear you're a bit of an orthonologist'.
And Humph's response was:'Yes, I suppose I'm a bit of a word botcher!'

[gurnemanz]

I loved Mark Steel's answer to this question on today's The News Quiz

"What is to be found inside one third of Americans?"

"A bullet".

It actually turned out to be traces of a toxic herbicide.

Reminded me for some reason of the Scotsman who was asked:

What's worn under the kilt?

He replied:

Nothing at all. It's all in perfect working order

[oddoneout]

I loved Mark Steel's answer to this question on today's The News Quiz

"What is to be found inside one third of Americans?"

"A bullet".

It actually turned out to be traces of a toxic herbicide.

Tautology?
Unless one uses an upper case H, when presumably it becomes a highly selective Herbicide; no threat to herbs(or 'erbs as they have it over the pond), but might cause a rethink about what to name a child.

[Serial_Apologist]

Tautology?
Unless one uses an upper case H, when presumably it becomes a highly selective Herbicide; no threat to herbs(or 'erbs as they have it over the pond), but might cause a rethink about what to name a child.

Particularly with the surname Hancock!!!

[gurnemanz]

Particularly with the surname Hancock!!!

I remember in the primary school playground in the 50s people enjoyed illustrating the name Tony Hancock by pointing at the appropriate parts of the anatomy.

[cloughie]

I remember in the primary school playground in the 50s people enjoyed illustrating the name Tony Hancock by pointing at the appropriate parts of the anatomy.

But at least Hancock regularly had twice Andy (maybe another unfortunate surname) Warhol’s allotted 15 minutes of fame.

[johncorrigan]

I remember in the primary school playground in the 50s people enjoyed illustrating the name Tony Hancock by pointing at the appropriate parts of the anatomy.

The clean version was Tony Armstrong, gurney, which finished with a Charles Atlas look (in a puny kind of a way).

[Mario]

I’ve just heard that Neil Diamond has brough his own fruit juice mixture out. It’s called…

“Swede, carrot, lime”.

(Thanks to Soccer AM just now.)

Mario

[gurnemanz]

Just reading Jan Swafford's Brahms biography. Apparently, the composer "kept a notebook of the latest jokes and sometimes got caught out repeating one to the person who told it to him". Could happen...

[johncorrigan]

Went round to my Granddad's to take his dog for a walk. As I was leaving he shouted, 'Don't forget poo bags!' So I called back, 'OK Gran, you can come for a walk too!'