Current favourite jokes

[arancie33]

Harsh but funny!

Yes, but it came from a daughter who probably ought to have known better. Badly brought up, I say.

[Nick Armstrong]

Another where I'm ashamed to say I lol'd.

I rofl'd...

Yes, but it came from a daughter who probably ought to have known better. Badly brought up, I say.

I like her style, personally!

[mangerton]

Ok, it's a bit soon, but I'm posting early for Christmas.

Have you ever wondered why there's a fairy on top of the Christmas tree? It was Christmas Eve at the North Pole, and it was pandemonium at Santa's workshop. Rudolf had a bad cold, a lot of the presents hadn't arrived, and Santa's elves were on a go-slow because of a pay dispute. At that point the Christmas Fairy came rushing in, and shouted, "Santa! Santa! The Christmas tree's here! Where will I put it?"

Santa told her.

[Nick Armstrong]

Ok, it's a bit soon, but I'm posting early for Christmas.

Have you ever wondered why there's a fairy on top of the Christmas tree? It was Christmas Eve at the North Pole, and it was pandemonium at Santa's workshop. Rudolf had a bad cold, a lot of the presents hadn't arrived, and Santa's elves were on a go-slow because of a pay dispute. At that point the Christmas Fairy came rushing in, and shouted, "Santa! Santa! The Christmas tree's here! Where will I put it?"

Santa told her.

[EdgeleyRob]

A man buys a budgie but is disappointed when it doesn’t speak.
He goes back to the pet shop where the owner suggests getting the budgie a mirror to play with.
This doesn’t make the budgie any more talkative so the pet shop owner next suggests buying it a bell.
The bell has no effect either so the owner suggests the man buys the budgie a ladder.
Finally the man returns to the pet shop and announces he’s had success. ‘The budgie looked in the mirror,’ says the man. ‘It pecked at the bell and climbed the ladder,said a few words, and fell dead off its perch.’
‘Oh dear,’ said the pet shop owner, ‘What did it say?’
The man replies, ‘It said,have you got any food ?’

[Alain Maréchal]

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a ukulele?
A: The ukulele makes the more satisying sound








when you stamp on it.

[Mr Pee]

A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.

He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him:-

"Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back:-

"You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

[mangerton]

Mr Pee's tale reminded me of this:

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

And talking of engineers:

An engineer died and St. Peter mistakenly ticked his profession as a lawyer and he was sent to hell instead of heaven.

So, the engineer reported to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer was dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and started designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer became a pretty popular guy.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replied, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have been sent down there; send him up here."

Satan said, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God said, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed hilariously and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer up there in heaven?"


(With apologies to any lawyers who may be in our midst. )

[EdgeleyRob]

Doctor doctor, one minute I feel like a tepee,the next I feel like a wigwam.

The problem is, you've become too tense.

[AmpH]

What's the similarity between a harp and elderly parents ?

They are all difficult to get in and out of cars !

[Nick Armstrong]

Doctor doctor, one minute I feel like a tepee,the next I feel like a wigwam.

The problem is, you've become too tense.

That works rather better than this surreal one:


The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

[Bryn]

Man goes to see his trick cyclist, "Doctor I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains" ...

[Bryn]

Comes the response, "I thought you looked somewhat drawn this morning".

[EdgeleyRob]

Doctor,doctor,I keep comparing things with something else.
Don't worry, it's only analogy

[AmpH]

Gone Chopin ( with Liszt ) ........... Bach in a minuet.