Current favourite jokes

[amateur51]

Is Kevin related to Roger?

scintillate by roger mcgough


I have outlived
my youthfulness
so a quiet life for me

where once
I used to
scintillate

now I sin
till ten
past three

[pastoralguy]

Little boy comes home early from school. Asked by his mother for the reason, he says it was for urinating in the swimming pool. "Oh that seems rather severe", says his mum, "I'm quite sure lots of little boys probably wee wee in the pool". "Not off the top diving board" the boy replies.

Love it!

[Nick Armstrong]

I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but he kept taking things literally.

[EdgeleyRob]

I've just witnessed the most extraordinary thing.

A cat appeared in my garden,had a poo,and then buried it.

[EdgeleyRob]

I've just witnessed the most extraordinary thing.

A cat appeared in my garden,had a poo,and then buried it.

Damp squib.

Just needed ONE forumite to reply "that's what cats do",

then I say "what,with a shovel !"

[Nick Armstrong]

Damp squib.

Just needed ONE forumite to reply "that's what cats do",

then I say "what,with a shovel !"

I don't seem to be the only one who's not following...

Any hints, Rob?

[Beef Oven!]

I've just witnessed the most extraordinary thing.

A cat appeared in my garden,had a poo,and then buried it.

What's unusual about that?

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

What's unusual about that?

[pastoralguy]

Damp squib.

Just needed ONE forumite to reply "that's what cats do",

then I say "what,with a shovel !"

But a cat wouldn't be able to manipulate a shovel...

[pastoralguy]

Ok. This is MY favourite joke of all time.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

John.

John who?

Burt Lancaster!

I first heard this joke at school and it's evolved into less of a joke and more of a philosophy of life...

[Nick Armstrong]

Blimey can someone reassure me - have I had some sort of stroke or are the jokes on this thread becoming difficult to 'get' ????

Q How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Fish

[Beef Oven!]

But a cat wouldn't be able to manipulate a shovel...

It could pawipulate.

[pastoralguy]

If you push a violinist and a soprano off a cliff, who hits the ground first?

The violinist. The soprano gets lost and has to stop to ask where she is...

[amateur51]

If you push a violinist and a soprano off a cliff, who hits the ground first?

The violinist. The soprano gets lost and has to stop to ask where she is...

Would this apply if the singer were a tenor?

[Beef Oven!]

If you push a violinist and a soprano off a cliff, who hits the ground first?

The violinist. The soprano gets lost and has to stop to ask where she is...

The 1st violinist is driving down a hill and their brakes fail.

They have to turn onto the pavement to stop the car with no brakes.

Dilema. On the left pavement is the principal violist, and on the right is the conductor.

Which person do they choose to run over?

Answer, the conductor, because it's always business before pleasure.