Current favourite jokes

[gradus]

Thanks Caliban, it made me laugh out loud. Got any more?

[teamsaint]

originally posted by Hafod.


Made me LOl, but then I used to be a civil servant. (does it show?) THought it was worth revisiting........




A few years ago the following was doing the rounds of a number of government departments in central London:

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 deputy neutrons, 88 under neutrons and 198 assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[Mr Pee]

I heard a great joke today. Somebody told me that Andre Rieu's "Magic of the Movies" had won Classical Album of the Year at the Classical Brits......



Hang on a minute.....

[Nick Armstrong]

Ooops - just getting red-crosses...

Oh... I see...

[Nick Armstrong]

Thanks Caliban, it made me laugh out loud. Got any more?

Which one tickled the gradus funny-bone?

[Petrushka]

Want to know to catch a polar bear?

First, you need a packet of frozen peas, Then you cut a hole in the ice and place a few peas round it.

When the polar bear bends down for a pea you kick it in the ice-hole.

[gradus]

Ham-bush, snigger snigger....

[gradus]

Another winner, thanks Petrushka.

[johncorrigan]

Another winner, thanks Petrushka.

What does a clock do if it's hungry?


It goes back four seconds.

[Nick Armstrong]

Ham-bush, snigger snigger....

Hmmm.... well....

My racing snail was not winning races any more, so I decided to remove his shell
to make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work.
If anything it made him more sluggish.

[Flay]

Try this for a chat-up line:

"There are 21 letters in the alphabet."

"No there aren't, there are 26"

"Oh yes, I forgot: U R A Q T"

[Stillhomewardbound]

My brother, the life-long bachelor, always used that line. I wonder if there was a connection.

[johncorrigan]

Hmmm.... well....

My racing snail was not winning races any more, so I decided to remove his shell
to make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work.
If anything it made him more sluggish.

Most humorous, Cal!

[gradus]

Thanks Cali for a laughing start to the day.

[Flay]

Little boy gets home from school and says "Mum, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His mum replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part"

It could be Mrs Flay saying that...