Current favourite jokes

[LeMartinPecheur]

Eeyore: I tried self-isolation...

...but nobody noticed.

[Serial_Apologist]

Eeyore: I tried self-isolation...

...but nobody noticed.

Self-insolation for me in addition to the above, if this weather continues! Not forgetting the sun lotion, of course.

[Serial_Apologist]

"Excuse me, this is the Islamic Centre, isn't it?"

"Yes sir".

"Good. You wouldn't happen by any chance to have niqabs or burkas for men on sale at the moment here, would you?"

[LezLee]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"


(I presume this hasn’t been posted before. Doesn’t appear on ‘Search’)

[LeMartinPecheur]

Not posted before but should have been

[Joseph K]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"


(I presume this hasn’t been posted before. Doesn’t appear on ‘Search’)

I saw this on facebook 'Old Jews Tell Jokes' IIRC...

[hmvman]

Good news. Boris Johnson, having tested positive for Covid-19, has been put on one of the new Dyson ventilators. He's now picking up nicely.

[teamsaint]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"


(I presume this hasn’t been posted before. Doesn’t appear on ‘Search’)

[LeMartinPecheur]

Good news. Boris Johnson, having tested positive for Covid-19, has been put on one of the new Dyson ventilators. He's now picking up nicely.

[Nick Armstrong]

Doctor told me I'm suffering from onomatopoeia. What's that? I asked. Exactly what it sounds like, she said.

[LMcD]

Good news. Boris Johnson, having tested positive for Covid-19, has been put on one of the new Dyson ventilators. He's now picking up nicely.

Seems appropriate since BJ sucks.

[Serial_Apologist]

Good news. Boris Johnson, having tested positive for Covid-19, has been put on one of the new Dyson ventilators. He's now picking up nicely.

Hoo ver y funny!

[LeMartinPecheur]

A plane with five passengers is about to crash. There are five passengers but only four parachutes. The passengers are Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the Pope, Nicola Sturgeon and a 10-year-old schoolboy.

Sturgeon: "I need one, I've got Scotland to sort out." She takes one and jumps.

The Pope: "I need one, I've got the Catholic Church to sort out." He takes one and jumps.

Donald Trump: "I need one, I'm the smartest person in the world." He takes one and jumps.

Boris Johnson looks at the schoolboy and says, "You can have the last chute. I've had my life, yours is still in front of you."

Schoolboy: "Don't worry, there are still two chutes. The smartest person in the world just took my school-bag!"

[Bryn]

A plane with five passengers is about to crash. The passengers are Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the Pope, Nicola Sturgeon and a 10-year-old schoolboy.

Sturgeon: "I need one, I've got Scotland to sort out." She takes one and jumps.

The Pope: "I need one, I've got the Catholic Church to sort out." He takes one and jumps.

Donald Trump: "I need one, I'm the smartest person in the world." He takes one and jumps.

Boris Johnson looks at the schoolboy and says, "You can have the last chute. I've had my life, yours is still in front of you."

Schoolboy: "Don't worry, there are still two chutes. The smartest person in the world just took my school-bag!"

Still good, even without the initial state regarding parachutes not being mentioned.

[DracoM]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=3929541277056082&set=a.526231404053770&type=3&eid=ARCLYJIo5u8u8UaGX5o8oLOynILMic8tBIIqzsEs_jC0vZLQR1uA4hb34eGg_-j9vFktxrFwuaVAwfA7