Current favourite jokes

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
  • johncorrigan
    Full Member
    • Nov 2010
    • 10348

    I notice in the paper today that Elon Musk and Bill Gates have got together to try to produce a new improved version of Viagra. Seems they're calling it 'Elongates'.

    Comment

    • ahinton
      Full Member
      • Nov 2010
      • 16122

      Originally posted by MrGongGong View Post
      I'll leave this here

      That's just too good to be a joke - and rather better than its composer's earlier "Trump is a wanker" one; I hope that it gets sent to BoJo if it's not already been so!

      Comment

      • ahinton
        Full Member
        • Nov 2010
        • 16122

        Originally posted by johncorrigan View Post
        I notice in the paper today that Elon Musk and Bill Gates have got together to try to produce a new improved version of Viagra. Seems they're calling it 'Elongates'.
        !!!

        Comment

        • Vox Humana
          Full Member
          • Dec 2012
          • 1248

          Originally posted by ahinton View Post
          That's just too good to be a joke - and rather better than its composer's earlier "Trump is a wanker" one
          Maybe, but the strettos in the Trump fugue included inversions of the subject.

          Comment

          • Flay
            Full Member
            • Mar 2007
            • 5795

            I was having severe headaches which had gone on for years. Eventually I went to see the doctor. He said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates a severe headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."

            I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. But the headaches were so severe that I had no choice but to go under the knife.

            When I left the hospital it was incredible, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years. As I walked down the street, I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. But how would I do this? Then I saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit..."

            I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

            The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."

            I laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

            "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

            I tried on the suit; it fitted perfectly.

            As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

            I thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

            The salesman eyed me and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

            I was surprised. "That's right! How did you know?"

            "Been in the business 60 years."

            I tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

            I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

            I thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

            The salesman said, "Let's see...Size 38."

            I laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

            The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache...




            p.s. Please don't question me for an anatomical explanation
            Pacta sunt servanda !!!

            Comment

            • Stanfordian
              Full Member
              • Dec 2010
              • 9308

              I heard someone today say that they had decided to have a 'humourist' funeral but meant 'humanist'. How's that for a malapropism!

              As we are in West Lancashire, near Blackpool I had visions of Jimmy Tarbuck, Bobby Ball and Chubby Brown all giving a side-splitting eulogy at the graveside.
              Last edited by Stanfordian; 14-12-19, 09:26.

              Comment

              • Edgy 2
                Guest
                • Jan 2019
                • 2035

                “Music is the best means we have of digesting time." — Igor Stravinsky

                Comment

                • Edgy 2
                  Guest
                  • Jan 2019
                  • 2035

                  “Music is the best means we have of digesting time." — Igor Stravinsky

                  Comment

                  • Bryn
                    Banned
                    • Mar 2007
                    • 24688

                    Comment

                    • gurnemanz
                      Full Member
                      • Nov 2010
                      • 7380

                      Originally posted by Bryn View Post
                      Thanks, Bryn. Several things have cheered me up today in my post-electoral dejection. The above pic and your petition link on the Fun Games thread, along with my visit to Elisabeth Kulman's marvellous lunchtime recital at Wigmore and Wilf Zaha's wondrous equalizing goal v Brighton this evening.

                      Comment

                      • Bryn
                        Banned
                        • Mar 2007
                        • 24688

                        Originally posted by gurnemanz View Post
                        Thanks, Bryn. Several things have cheered me up today in my post-electoral dejection. The above pic and your petition link on the Fun Games thread, along with my visit to Elisabeth Kulman's marvellous lunchtime recital at Wigmore and Wilf Zaha's wondrous equalizing goal v Brighton this evening.
                        Thanks truly due to my dear fellow student friend from my Middlesex Poly days, Tamzin Berry, who posted it in her FB page.

                        Comment

                        • Boilk
                          Full Member
                          • Dec 2010
                          • 976

                          (from 2011)

                          Comment

                          • Serial_Apologist
                            Full Member
                            • Dec 2010
                            • 37592

                            Wonderful Christmas card adaptations, and I'm willing to bet no retailer would dare put them on sale in this day and age, for fear of offending!

                            Comment

                            • johncorrigan
                              Full Member
                              • Nov 2010
                              • 10348

                              Vic and Bob last night.
                              Vic: Bob! Bob! My Uncle just had a baby.
                              Bob: Did he, Vic?
                              Vic: Yeah! He asked me if I wanted to wind it, and I said, 'Can I not just give it a dead leg instead?'

                              Comment

                              • LezLee
                                Full Member
                                • Apr 2019
                                • 634

                                Now we've lost Clive James and Jonathan Miller, we need to find an eternal life pill for Vic and Bob and Alan Bennett.

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X