Current favourite jokes

[Serial_Apologist]

I told my psychiatrist I keep hearing voices in my head.

He said "you don't have a psychiatrist".

Reminds me of another of RD Laing's, about a man suffering from delusions who was claiming himself to be God. When subjected to a liar detector test, and asked if he was God, he replied "No". To which the liar detector indicated that he was lying!

[johncorrigan]

What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off!

[MrGongGong]

Nigel Farage walks into a pub

"A pint of mild please barman", says Farage.

The barman pours the pint and immediately throws it over Farage.

"What did you do that for?" moans Farage.

"Well you asked for a pint, but you didn't say how you wanted it delivered" says the barman.

"Well I'd like a pint of mild and I want it delivered in a glass", says Farage.

"I'm sorry but you can't ask again", says the barman.

"Why not?" asks Farage.

The barman grinned as he said, "democracy!"

[MrGongGong]

https://www.facebook.com/carlosmanwelly/videos/2404390646481951/

(You need FB to see this)

[Dave2002]

Nigel Farage walks into a pub

"A pint of mild please barman", says Farage.

The barman pours the pint and immediately throws it over Farage.

"What did you do that for?" moans Farage.

"Well you asked for a pint, but you didn't say how you wanted it delivered" says the barman.

"Well I'd like a pint of mild and I want it delivered in a glass", says Farage.

"I'm sorry but you can't ask again", says the barman.

"Why not?" asks Farage.

The barman grinned as he said, "democracy!"

[LMcD]

'Well, I've got good news and bad news', said the doctor. 'The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac'.

[Serial_Apologist]

'Well, I've got good news and bad news', said the doctor. 'The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac'.

Reminds me of the one of the psychiatrist telling the inferiority complex-suffering patient: "You don't have to worry any more, because you really are inferior".

[LezLee]

A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German Shepherd says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master"
"Good", says God, then sit down on my right side".
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master"
God says "Good, then sit down on my left side".
Then God looks at the cat and asks "What do you believe in?"
Says the cat: "I believe you're sitting in my seat".

[LMcD]

A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German Shepherd says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master"
"Good", says God, then sit down on my right side".
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master"
God says "Good, then sit down on my left side".
Then God looks at the cat and asks "What do you believe in?"
Says the cat: "I believe you're sitting in my seat".

[johncorrigan]

A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German Shepherd says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master"
"Good", says God, then sit down on my right side".
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master"
God says "Good, then sit down on my left side".
Then God looks at the cat and asks "What do you believe in?"
Says the cat: "I believe you're sitting in my seat".

I'm surprised the cat waited for the dogs to finish, Lez.

[johncorrigan]

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a Council salt spreader last night. 'Watch what you're doing', I shouted through gritted teeth.

[Serial_Apologist]

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a Council salt spreader last night. 'Watch what you're doing', I shouted through gritted teeth.

He should be charged with a salt.

[Edgy 2]

Old but gold

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He was a seasoned veteran.

[Serial_Apologist]

Old but gold

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He was a seasoned veteran.

[MrGongGong]

I'll leave this here