Current favourite jokes

[LezLee]

Footie joke:

Sergio Aguero had a bet with the rest of the City team, that he could beat Manchester United on his own.
So whilst Aguero took the field to face United, the rest of the players went to play golf. Just as they were teeing off, De Bruyne checked Sky Sports on his phone and saw a score of:
Man United 0 Man City 1 (Aguero, 1 min)
Two hours later, they were on the 18th hole and within range of the club house wi-fi, so Silva checked Sky Sports and saw:
Man United 1 (Pogba, pen, 90+6) Man City 1 (Aguero 1 min)
Back at the Etihad, the players met up with Sergio, who looked really unhappy.
"I'm gutted" , said Sergio, shaking his head.
"Why are you so sad, Sergio?" asked Kevin de Bruyne. "You managed a draw against a full strength United team all on your own. That's amazing! “
“Not really, “said Sergio
"I was sent off after five minutes,"....

[Edgy 2]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."

[johncorrigan]

[Rolmill]

Just seen this on FB:

They ought to hold a follow up to the G7 summit a week later and call it the C major summit - maybe that would resolve everything!

[Serial_Apologist]

Just seen this on FB:

They ought to hold a follow up to the G7 summit a week later and call it the C major summit - maybe that would resolve everything!

That could be just the tonic!

[Serial_Apologist]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."

Reminds me of the story of the squire and the country clergyman crossing the grouse moor! - "Missed the bastard!"

[Dave2002]

Reminds me of the story of the squire and the country clergyman crossing the grouse moor! - "Missed the bastard!"

I suspect this is similar to the vicar and the golfer.

[cloughie]

That could be just the tonic!

Can't see Macron settling for being the sub-dominant!

[Richard Tarleton]

He's one politician who appears to grasp the scale of the problem

[Serial_Apologist]

He's one politician who appears to grasp the scale of the problem

But the consequences threaten to end in a diminished (ac)chord.

[LMcD]

I'm currently reading Alan Bennett's 'Keeping On Keeping On', which includes a couple of dreadful puns - one broadcast, one mercifully not, from 'Bremner, Bird and Fortune'.

The aquarium sent back the new tank as it wasn't fit for porpoise. Meanwhile, the local Mothercare shop refused to stock the latest range of goods for new mums on the grounds that they were not fit for papoose.

[Serial_Apologist]

I'm currently reading Alan Bennett's 'Keeping On Keeping On', which includes a couple of dreadful puns - one broadcast, one mercifully not, from 'Bremner, Bird and Fortune'.

The aquarium sent back the new tank as it wasn't fit for porpoise. Meanwhile, the local Mothercare shop refused to stock the latest range of goods for new mums on the grounds that they were not fit for papoose.

By coincidence, the other day our guide on an historical walk around the district pointed to some black criss-crossed patterned brickwork in a red brick wall, telling us this was known in architecture as diaper work, "And for any non-Americans there may be among you, this has nothing whatever to do with babies' nappies", he then added.

[johncorrigan]

The aquarium sent back the new tank as it wasn't fit for porpoise.

Which reminds me...Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

[un barbu]

Meanwhile, the local Mothercare shop refused to stock the latest range of goods for new mums on the grounds that they were not fit for papoose.

And, as Muir and Norden (probably) reminded us the papoose likes to travel with its back to the Injun.

[Edgy 2]

or the classic

Just called the Sea Life Centre for some tickets.

They said my call would be recorded for training porpoises