Current favourite jokes

[Nick Armstrong]

I wanted to paint my suit of armour white, so I went to B&Q to buy some metal paint.
I was dubious with the tin they tried to sell me as it seemed to be cream, but the assistant assured me it would be all white on the knight.

[Edgy 2]

Went to a cracking party at the RNLI last night.
They really know how to push the boat out.

[Edgy 2]

The Rolled up Newspaper Appreciation Society are having a meeting tonight in our town hall.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall...............on second thoughts

[Edgy 2]

I’ve just accidently rubbed Viagra into my eyes.
I’m not in any pain but I now look really hard.

The other day I accidentally rubbed herbs into my eyes while cooking.
I was parsley sighted for a while.

Last one for tonight

I went fishing the other day using liquorice as bait.
Managed to catch all sorts.

[Nick Armstrong]

Apparently the people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones,
but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

[Serial_Apologist]

Apparently the people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones,
but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

[Nick Armstrong]

Some bastard's stolen my glasses. But I'll track him down. I've got contacts.

[antongould]

Some bastard's stolen my glasses. But I'll track him down. I've got contacts.

Wonderful Rumpole - I will tweet it to Skellers .....

[LMcD]

Some bastard's stolen my glasses. But I'll track him down. I've got contacts.

Are any of them supporters of French soccer team Racing Club de Lens? (A lot may hinge on your answer, so be careful how you frame it!)

[Boilk]

Some bastard's stolen my glasses. But I'll track him down. I've got contacts.

I was going to respond with a witty retort, but won't for fear of making a spectacle of myself.

[Padraig]

I was going to respond with a witty retort, but won't for fear of making a spectacle of myself.

Where did you pinch that from? God only knows.

[LMcD]

I was going to respond with a witty retort, but won't for fear of making a spectacle of myself.

Unlike C P Snow whose retort would, according to Michael Flanders, be a rude one.
'H2SO4 Professor, and the reciprocal of pi to your good wife'

[Serial_Apologist]

Where did you pinch that from? God only knows.

One can only speculate........

[Edgy 2]

A man picked up a hitchhiker.
After getting settled into the passenger seat, the hitchhiker thanked the man for the ride, then asked, “but how do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
“I’m not worried,” the driver replied. “What are the chances of two serial killers being in the same car ?”

[Boilk]

One can only speculate........

One has to speculate to ocumulate.