Current favourite jokes

[vinteuil]

You're not Reading that right.

.. I Heston to add I don't Membury this at all.

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[LMcD]

An English girl, an expert driver, fails her French driving test.
The examiner tells her, in English: 'Your driveeing ees magnifique but your Code ees terribul'
She says 'I dough. I'b had id for weegs'.

[cloughie]

.. I Heston to add I don't Membury this at all.

.

Too Earley for jokes like this!

[johncorrigan]

Barry Cryer on Radio 4 this morning. Pablo Picasso disturbs a burglar when he returns to his house one night. The burglar scarpers sharpish. Picasso does a drawing of the miscreant for the local police who subsequently arrest a horse and a tin of sardines.

[Beef Oven!]

Barry Cryer on Radio 4 this morning. Pablo Picasso disturbs a burglar when he returns to his house one night. The burglar scarpers sharpish. Picasso does a drawing of the miscreant for the local police who subsequently arrest a horse and a tin of sardines.

[Serial_Apologist]

Barry Cryer on Radio 4 this morning. Pablo Picasso disturbs a burglar when he returns to his house one night. The burglar scarpers sharpish. Picasso does a drawing of the miscreant for the local police who subsequently arrest a horse and a tin of sardines.

I thought the punch line was going to be "arrest a crowd of squares"!

[johncorrigan]

I believe that dogs cannot work MRI machines, though cats can!

[Bryn]

Today's report of the likelihood of a global sedimentary plastics horizon reminds me of one of my favourite DNA jokes, the discovery of the shoe event horizon on Brontitall.

[Boilk]

A BBC interviewer in Mumbai is asking locals their opinions on the day's elections. "The last one I had was before bleakfast", he is told.
(If anyone complains of racism, I agree to remove this, er, joke)

When Tom Baker hosted Have I Got News For You (sadly, only once) the subject of general elections was topical. At one point he blurted out:
"I love an election, in fact I'm having one right now."

And at the beginning of the show when the guest host kicks off by introducing him/herself, Baker began with:
"Welcome to Have I Got News for You. I used to be Jon Pertwee."

[Nick Armstrong]

The perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets. Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

[LMcD]

Not really a joke, perhaps....a BBC News item among the UK stories accessed via the red button...
A woman in Wigan who has experienced financial problems has been living in a Wendy house. Wigan council are trying to sort out 'a more permanent and stable tenancy' for her.

[johncorrigan]

The perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets. Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

It reminded me of something which happened to our neighbours a few years back, Cal...honest! Eileen sent her husband out to the shops with a note. When Grant returned among the items were one hundred bread rolls. Eileen questioned why he had bought one hundred bread rolls and he said it was on the list, which he took out of his pocket, and Eileen said: 'It doesn't say 100 rolls, Grant; it says loo rolls!' It was the talk of the steamie for a few weeks!

[Nick Armstrong]

It reminded me of something which happened to our neighbours a few years back, Cal...honest! Eileen sent her husband out to the shops with a note. When Grant returned among the items were one hundred bread rolls. Eileen questioned why he had bought one hundred bread rolls and he said it was on the list, which he took out of his pocket, and Eileen said: 'It doesn't say 100 rolls, Grant; it says loo rolls!' It was the talk of the steamie for a few weeks!

Shades of 'fork handles'....!

[johncorrigan]

Shades of 'fork handles'....!

Actually Cal, I remembered the follow-up to this when I was thinking about it today. Eileen said to Grant: 'What did you think we'd want 100 rolls for?' And he said: 'I thought maybe we were having a barbeque!' And she said: 'But Grant, why would we have a barbeque in the middle of winter?' I like to imagine that he Gallic shrugged...

[Bryn]

Shredder!