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I've just heard that the hot weather is resulting in a shortage of lettuce...but I believe that it is only the tip of the iceberg!
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Why?Originally posted by johncorrigan View PostI've just heard that the hot weather is resulting in a shortage of lettuce...but I believe that it is only the tip of the iceberg!
CosComment
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Enough please. It's time to turn over a new leaf!Originally posted by Serial_Apologist View PostI keep hitting the Escape key, but I'm still here!Comment
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I phoned my son tonight and asked if he'd come and pick me up.
'Sure, Dad. Where are you?'
'On the bathroom floor,' I replied.
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What did the hat say to the bra?Originally posted by johncorrigan View PostI phoned my son tonight and asked if he'd come and pick me up.
'Sure, Dad. Where are you?'
'On the bathroom floor,' I replied.
You pick up these two. I'll go on ahead.Comment
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My friend Sarah has a bad bout of hiccups
That would be the rocket Sal hadComment
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In terms of percentage range, what is 22% the mean between?
Well in Trumpematics, it's 70 and 90 percent.Comment
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Comment by presenter on R4 this morning:
"Only two things seem able to unite the nation today: sport and royal weddings".
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Let's not forget that perennial favourite - moaning about the weather.Originally posted by Serial_Apologist View PostComment by presenter on R4 this morning:
"Only two things seem able to unite the nation today: sport and royal weddings".
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Just spotted this from a page of motoring related jokes (http://www.ahc-northern.org.uk/motoring_humour.php):
"The Battle of Trafalgar versus H & S Regulations."
It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform. How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations. Just imagine you are now on the deck of the recently
renamed British Flagship, HMS Appeasement.
"Order the signal. Hardy."
"Aye, aye, sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry, sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged sir."
"In that case - kiss me Hardy."Comment
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What did the toothpaste say to the toothbrush?
"If you squeeze my bottom I'll meet you outside the tube "Comment
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