Current favourite jokes

[Serial_Apologist]

Wry humour typical of this district

On a pathway leading past a secluded lake accessible only to people licensed to fish, a park bench has recently been installed, embossed with the following tribute:

Nina Theresa Jenkinson May 5 1959 - May 7 2017.
She took pleasure in annoying the fishermen by feeding the ducks.

[Flay]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[Serial_Apologist]

"Aren't you Beppo, the famous flea-trainer?"
"I am he"
"What on earth are you doing in this place?"
"They wouldn't believe my theory - said I must be mad"
"What theory?"
"Watch this".

Beppo puts his hand in his jacket pocket, and takes out a match box. He opens it, and carefully takes out a flea, which he places on the back of his hand.

"Now, watch this. 'Jump onto my shoulder'", he orders the flea. The flea jumps onto Beppo's shoulder. He re-puts it on the back of his hand, and repeats the order, "jump onto my shoulder", and the flea does so.

"Remarkable! But what is this theory you were talking about?"
"Aha!" Beppo says, raising his forefinger with a conspiratorial wink.

From his other pocket he now takes a pair of nail scissors, and carefully proceeds to cut off the flea's legs. He then re-places the now legless flea back on the back of his hand.

"Jump onto my shoulder".

Nothing of course happens.

"Jump onto my shoulder", he repeats; "JUMP ONTO MY SHOULDER!!!"

Again, nothing happens.

"You see? that proves my theory", Beppo says. "Cut off their legs, and they go deaf".

[Serial_Apologist]

I was surprised not to have seen any April Fools posted on here yesterday. The BBC's, with its announcement on Today that to make up for a shortfall in clergy numbers needed for covering the number of Easter services, the Church of England would be employing robots, was rather pathetic. This one, on the other hand, from Holland, is delightful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAwL0O5nXe0

(I hadn't previously realised April Fool's Day existed outside the UK).

[gradus]

I was surprised not to have seen any April Fools posted on here yesterday. The BBC's, with its announcement on Today that to make up for a shortfall in clergy numbers needed for covering the number of Easter services, the Church of England would be employing robots, was rather pathetic. This one, on the other hand, from Holland, is delightful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAwL0O5nXe0

(I hadn't previously realised April Fool's Day existed outside the UK).

Tried but the video appears to have been deleted.

[Serial_Apologist]

Tried but the video appears to have been deleted.

I've corrected it now, gradus.

[Padraig]

This one, on the other hand, from Holland, is delightful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAwL0O5nXe0

Scorcio!

[alycidon]

That from the BBC was utterly pathetic, SA, and I doubt that it fooled anyone.

[gradus]

I've corrected it now, gradus.

Many thanks, it's a good'un.

[Andrew353w]

A Polish guy walks into an opticians and asks for an eye test. The Optician sits him in the examination chair and asks him if he can read the third line down on the letter chart.
"Read it?" he replies, "I know him personally!"

[Andrew353w]

A guy goes into a fancy dress shop & explains that he's going to a party as Adam, and would they hire him a fig leaf. "Certainly, sir! Just slip into the changing room & check it for size & comfort." The customer puts his head round the curtain & asks "do you have a slightly bigger one?" "No problem, sir! there you are." A few seconds later the customer asks, somewhat sheepishly "er.... sorry, but is there a bigger one?" "This is the biggest we have, sir!" The customer leaves the changing area, saying the fig leaf STILL wasn't big enough, and asks the shopkeeper "Do you have any suggestions?" "Yes" says the shopkeeper "shove it in your ear and go as a petrol pump!"

[EdgeleyRob]

I said to the auctioneer "So, this stuffed dog in the auction, what would it fetch if it were in its original condition?”
He said “Sticks”

[EdgeleyRob]

Or

I'm currently writing an Ebook on citrus fruits.
Not quite finished yet, but if you're interested,the first chapter is onlime.

[EdgeleyRob]

Or

What do you call a parrot with an umbrella?..

Polly unsaturated

[johncorrigan]

Or

What do you call a parrot with an umbrella?..

Polly unsaturated

...or
What do you call an escaped parrot?
Polly Gone!