Current favourite jokes

[Serial_Apologist]

Her, surely?

Oops! - actually the goodbye person being waved away was supposed to refer to Jeremy Hunt

[EdgeleyRob]

The health secretary was being shown round a hospital. In one room he saw three poor souls gibbering apparent nonsense. “The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley,” one said. “O, wad some power the giftie gie us to see oursels as ithers see us,” said a second. “Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim’rous beastie,” added the third. The health secretary asked what affliction they had, to which the consultant replied: “Oh, this is our Burns Unit.”


.

[EdgeleyRob]

I went to the zoo today and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

[EdgeleyRob]

My pirate friend only paid one dollar each for his earrings.
Good value for a Buccaneer.

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

It's been a good week, annitt!

[greenilex]

Annette Just

[EdgeleyRob]

Just been prescribed some anti gloating cream
Can't wait to rub it in

[EdgeleyRob]

"Do you have pets?"
"Yes; a goldfish."
"hobbies?"
"Well actually, he really loves swimming."

I'm here all day

[EdgeleyRob]

I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.

[LMcD]

I have a friend who likes to have flowers at the dinner table. He'll often pick a lily.

[johncorrigan]

I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.

I always get informal trouserwear, pickle and chutney mixed up, Rob, which I think is why I enjoy Gene Pitney.

[EdgeleyRob]

Does anyone know where I can buy a dipstick.
Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore.

[Bryn]

Does anyone know where I can buy a dipstick.
Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore.

Oh dear, I had to take a deep breath there to stop laughing out loud. True story coming up:

Some years ago I had to drive a bus from Bracknell to Purfleet for service and repair, then drive it back to Bracknell. Unbeknownst to me, the Purfleet engineers forgot to replace the very long dipstick after the oil change. Result? While driving along the M25 a lorry came past flashing its lights and sounding its horn. As it passed the driver was gesticulating wildly for me to pull off onto the hard shoulder. The bus had been spraying oil out the back (not visible via the mirrors). Not only the back of the bus but the front of the lorry was covered in oil. Good job the lorry had excellent windscreen wipers. I had to wait hours for a red-faced engineer to turn up with the dipstick and a large can of oil.

[EdgeleyRob]

That story is better than the joke.

I tried setting up a dating agency for chickens but it wasn't successful.
Turns out it's really hard to make hens meet.

[gradus]

That story is better than the joke.

I tried setting up a dating agency for chickens but it wasn't successful.
Turns out it's really hard to make hens meet.

A cracker.