Current favourite jokes

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  • ferneyhoughgeliebte
    Gone fishin'
    • Sep 2011
    • 30163

    Originally posted by johncorrigan View Post
    A lorry loaded with vicks vapour rub overturned on the M6. The Police have said there will be no congestion for at least 8 hours!
    [FONT=Comic Sans MS][I][B]Numquam Satis![/B][/I][/FONT]

    Comment

    • EdgeleyRob
      Guest
      • Nov 2010
      • 12180

      I rang Seaworld to order some tickets,the booking clerk told me to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!"
      He said my call was being recorded for training porpoises.

      Comment

      • ferneyhoughgeliebte
        Gone fishin'
        • Sep 2011
        • 30163

        [FONT=Comic Sans MS][I][B]Numquam Satis![/B][/I][/FONT]

        Comment

        • Alison
          Full Member
          • Nov 2010
          • 6455

          Do you wake up grumpy?

          No, he wakes up on his own.

          Comment

          • EdgeleyRob
            Guest
            • Nov 2010
            • 12180

            Originally posted by Alison View Post
            Do you wake up grumpy?

            No, he wakes up on his own.


            Which reminds me 'I needed a password with eight characters so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'

            Comment

            • EdgeleyRob
              Guest
              • Nov 2010
              • 12180

              I went into a shop and said, "Can someone sell me a kettle ?."
              The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "ok thanks,is he in today ?."

              Comment

              • ahinton
                Full Member
                • Nov 2010
                • 16122

                Originally posted by EdgeleyRob View Post
                I went into a shop and said, "Can someone sell me a kettle ?."
                The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "ok thanks,is he in today ?."
                The version of that which I heard had Russell Hobbs as the answer, to which the retort was "does he really?"...

                Comment

                • Nick Armstrong
                  Host
                  • Nov 2010
                  • 26523

                  What croaks and is small and red?

                  – A hoarse radish.
                  "...the isle is full of noises,
                  Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
                  Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
                  Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."

                  Comment

                  • johncorrigan
                    Full Member
                    • Nov 2010
                    • 10349

                    'Two monkeys in a bath. One says, 'Ooh ooh ooh ah ah ah.' The other says, 'Well put some water in from the cold tap'.


                    How do you make a cat go woof?

                    Soak it in petrol and throw a match at it.

                    These were some of the opening lines on a very interesting exploration of laughter on Horizon last night hosted by Jimmy Carr. It was wonderful to see that people recognise laughter right over the world and the suggestion that it pre-dates speech. There's an American who has come up with a theory of laughter that there is an element of what he called 'Benign Violation'.

                    For me it also explained why I might have laughed at something in the 70s but would find it a violation (and not benign) and therefore not laugh at it now. Sorry, as the programme said dissecting humour is like dissecting a frog...noboby laughs and the frog dies.
                    Anyway, I found it very interesting.

                    Don't let Jimmy Carr put you off.

                    Comment

                    • Nick Armstrong
                      Host
                      • Nov 2010
                      • 26523

                      Originally posted by johncorrigan View Post
                      Don't let Jimmy Carr put you off.
                      He has the most off-putting laugh. Ironically.
                      "...the isle is full of noises,
                      Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
                      Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
                      Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."

                      Comment

                      • johncorrigan
                        Full Member
                        • Nov 2010
                        • 10349

                        Originally posted by Caliban View Post
                        He has the most off-putting laugh. Ironically.
                        Funnily enough, Cal, and happily, that laugh doesn't make an appearance in the programme;but in a bit of the programme about the physiological activity that goes on in the body when someone is laughing, he told a great story about his Mum's laughing; seems she laughed without making a sound and then was known to pass out. Jimmy said he used to take great joy in getting his mother to this state and said it was that which led to him going into comedy.

                        Comment

                        • richardfinegold
                          Full Member
                          • Sep 2012
                          • 7656

                          Q- How does one milk sheep?
                          A- Sell them i phone accessories

                          Comment

                          • ferneyhoughgeliebte
                            Gone fishin'
                            • Sep 2011
                            • 30163

                            Originally posted by richardfinegold View Post
                            Q- How does one milk sheep?
                            A- Sell them i phone accessories
                            [FONT=Comic Sans MS][I][B]Numquam Satis![/B][/I][/FONT]

                            Comment

                            • johncorrigan
                              Full Member
                              • Nov 2010
                              • 10349

                              Originally posted by richardfinegold View Post
                              Q- How does one milk sheep?
                              A- Sell them i phone accessories

                              I suppose they'd have to check out the RAM!

                              Comment

                              • johncorrigan
                                Full Member
                                • Nov 2010
                                • 10349

                                Good Joke from David Baddiel in this week's Guardian Guide.
                                An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Jew sit on a bench. The Englishman says: “I’m so tired and thirsty, I must have beer.” The Frenchman says: “I’m zo tired and theersty, I must ’ave wine.” The Jew says: “I’m so tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes.”

                                Comment

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