Current favourite jokes

[Serial_Apologist]

"They invited us to Buckingham Palace when the Prime Minster of India came over on a visit. I think they wanted some Indian-looking people. Prince Philip asked me which part of India I came from. I said I was born in Birmingham. He then asked me, which part of India is that in?"

Shazia Mirza on this morning's The Wright Stuff on CH5.

Some examples of her hilarious SOH can be found by clicking the vimeo link on this site:

http://www.shazia-mirza.com

[johncorrigan]

Another thread reminded me of this...

What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

Which reminded me again...why did the Dalai Lama go into the bookies?
Tibet!

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

Which reminded me again...why did the Dalai Lama go into the bookies?
Tibet!

Apologies if these have been posted before - and that they're not exactly "jokes": I did consider posting them on the Round Ball Thread, but thought they might not be welcome:

Professional Footballers' Comments:


My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham


"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka


"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall


"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne


"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper


"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.” - Ugo Ehiogu


"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." -Jonathan Woodgate


"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce


"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie


"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush


"Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas


"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison


"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet" - David Beckham


"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European" - Phil Neville


"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas


"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer


"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles


"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry

(I've put my favourites in bold.)

[Richard Barrett]

Excellent.

[johncorrigan]

Excellent.

They most certainly were!

[EdgeleyRob]

Brilliant ferney,here's a load more (apologies for any duplicates)

“Sandro’s holding his face. You can tell from that it’s a knee injury.” Dion Dublin

“Players win games, but managers give you the impotence to go and do it.” Lee Fowler

“If he’d done that, no one would have batted an eyebrow.”Phil Thompson

“Frank Lampard has still got the same legs he had five years ago”.Ray Wilkins

“Aaron Ramsey hasn’t always been the flavour of the Arsenal fans’ eyes.” Craig Burley

"The ball came off the left breast of Sebastien Bassong.” Sam Matterface

“Sessegnon gets it on his left hand foot.” Iain Dowie

“In his interviews, Beckham manages to sit on the fence very well and keeps both ears on the ground.” Brian Kerr

“It was six of a half and one dozen of the other.” Danny Higginbotham

“In the last year, 46 of the 92 managers have lost their jobs – that’s over half.” David Pleat

“The possession stats at one point were 77% to 33%.” Mick Quinn

“Liverpool, with their 4-4-1 formation...” Jamie Redknapp

“It falls to the ageless 35-year-old Frank Lampard.” George Hamilton

“Cardiff’s owner is a billionaire. He’s worth about £850million.” Ronnie Irani

“Who’ll win the league? It’s a toss of a coin between three of them.” Matt le Tissier

It’s one of them days when you just say, ‘It’s one of them days’.” Ian Wright

“There’s no such thing as a must-win game, and this is one of them.” Alan Wright

“I think Southampton will finish above teams that are well below them.” Paul Merson

“Steven Gerrard, obviously, is Steven Gerrard.” Alvin Martin

"Brendan Rodgers has been singing the praises of Suarez and Sturridge – the SS.” Alan Brazil

“David Moyes was just staring at me with his eyes. Literally.” Tony Cascarino

“If you’re going to win the Premier League, you’re going to have to finish ahead of Chelsea and Man City.” Graeme Souness

In England, Rooney is a world-class footballer in the world.”Paul Merson

“There are some real positives for Wales. Their back four’s not bad, sometimes.” Iain Dowie

“You need 15 players of that elk and then keep them together.” Bobby Gould

“What I saw in Holland and Germany was that the majority of people are Dutch in Holland and German in Germany.” Peter Taylor

“Gareth Bale has been levitated to the status of one of the best players in the world.” Perry Groves

“Manchester City are built on sand and I don’t mean that because their owners are from the Arab countries.” Kevin Keegan

“Luis Suarez has been talking in Uruguayan.” Mike Parry

“Sam Allardyce has backed the FA’s decision to overturn the referee.” Alan Brazil

“The referee has had a word with Vermaelen, in no uncertain tomes.” Ian Cheesman

“Referees, like most of us, are human beings.” Piara Powar

“Too many of today’s owners have carte blonk.” Phil Brown

“There’s been a lot of Pavola about that whole Beckham thing…” Brian Kerr

“Welbeck, Rooney and Van Persie can be a phenomical strike force.” Keith Curle

“The aura of uninvincibility has gone, if there is such a word.” Adrian Chiles

“We were de-fragmented.” David Flitcroft

"Gillingham have been very dominatative in midfield.” Martin Allen

“I’m not prepared to make any comments on the World Cup in Qatar in 1922.” Roy Hodgson

[MrGongGong]

[Nick Armstrong]

[johncorrigan]

After those French folk found the £90M Caravaggio in their loft, I thought I'd take a look in ours. At one point I thought I'd uncovered a lost original of Munch's 'The Scream', but it turned out I'd just picked up a mirror.

[Nick Armstrong]

[Serial_Apologist]

That reminds me of a comment Rattle made at the Proms several years ago when introducing Stravinsky's arrangement of "Happy Birthday", to the effect that it resembled one of Picasso's cubist paintings, in that all the familiar elements were there, but not in the places where you might expect to find them!

[johncorrigan]

Reminded me of Mr Potato Head in 'Toy Story'.

http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4135/4813627563_5c6cd7c05f_z.jpg

[richardfinegold]

Another thread reminded me of this...

What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

After he paid the vendor, the customer asked for his change. Vendor replied "Change must come from within."

[ahinton]

That reminds me of a comment Rattle made at the Proms several years ago when introducing Stravinsky's arrangement of "Happy Birthday", to the effect that it resembled one of Picasso's cubist paintings, in that all the familiar elements were there, but not in the places where you might expect to find them!

I wonder if he got that idea from a certain Morecambe & Preview piece?!...

[Serial_Apologist]

After he paid the vendor, the customer asked for his change. Vendor replied "Change must come from within."