Current favourite jokes

[EdgeleyRob]

I told my dad the first time I got the cane at school.
No sympathy,he gave me a whack because I must have done something to deserve it.

[pastoralguy]

I told my dad the first time I got the cane at school.
No sympathy,he gave me a whack because I must have done something to deserve it.

Yes! That happened to me too.

Those were the days...

[Beef Oven!]

Yes! That happened to me too.

Those were the days...

Same here, but it was my mum who did the corporal punishment in our home.

[jean]

I spent a lot of time standing outside the classroom door when I was at primary school. The headmistress, patrolling the corridoors, would give me a slap as she went past without ever asking me what I was doing there.

That was in the 50s. But I was very shocked in my first teaching job in the 70s to see a teacher walk down a line of boys, slap one at random about the head with the words "That's for nothing. Now try something".

[ahinton]

I told my dad the first time I got the cane at school.
No sympathy,he gave me a whack because I must have done something to deserve it.

In Scotland where I went to school in my earliest days, there was no cane, only the "strap". I was only ever on the receiving end of it once, at the age of around 7, as best I recall. I grabbed it in the palm of my hand into which it had without any legitimate reason been thwacked, wrenched it from the hands of its user and returned the compliment before a class of around 20. I did not enjoy doing this and my action was born not of bravado / braggadocio (for such was not my nature) but of a mix of offence, a sense of the need for balanced justice and a loathing of physical violence. I was not disciplined for me response and it never happened again. My classmates thought that this was great to see; I simply didn't want to talk about it and kept silent, because I was not proud of myself for having felt forced by circumstance to take such a step.

But back - please and without delay - to current favourite jokes!

[Nick Armstrong]

But back - please and without delay - to current favourite jokes!

The wife says she's leaving me because of my collection of 100 year old toys and games.
She's sick of my childish antiques.

[Beef Oven!]

In Scotland where I went to school in my earliest days, there was no cane, only the "strap". I was only ever on the receiving end of it once, at the age of around 7, as best I recall. I grabbed it in the palm of my hand into which it had without any legitimate reason been thwacked, wrenched it from the hands of its user and returned the compliment before a class of around 20. I did not enjoy doing this and my action was born not of bravado / braggadocio (for such was not my nature) but of a mix of offence, a sense of the need for balanced justice and a loathing of physical violence. I was not disciplined for me response and it never happened again. My classmates thought that this was great to see; I simply didn't want to tak about it and kept silent about it, because I was not proud of myself for having felt forced by circumstance to take such a step.

Well done, that boy!

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

Well done, that boy!

[LeMartinPecheur]

Our English teacher was a good aim with a piece of chalk!

(When one thinks of the potential for serious injury, it's amazing what they were allowed to get away with, back in the 1960s.)

I had a biology teacher who did something else with the chalk! First offence of eating in his class received the penalty of eating a stick of chalk. Second offence got eating an earthworm. I never heard of anyone committing a second offence...

I fell foul of his penalty for tilting a short wooden lab-stool onto two legs (I have very long legs): "If you want to sit on two legs you can sit on one. Turn it over!" My offence was about ten minutes into a "double bilge" so the state of my fundament after upwards of an hour was not good! Again, no second offence - I don't recall if this attracted any heavier penalty - but I was pretty relieved when told to give up bilge and do art "to balance the set-numbers".

Back on topic, Why do Morris Men have bells on their legs? So they can annoy blind people too!

[mangerton]

This isn't a joke in the accepted sense, but in many respects it is a joke. It involves a conversation I had an hour or so ago with an electronic representative of one of our once most-respected institutions.

I arrived home this evening to find a card saying that Parcelforce - better known to old hands like me as the GPO - had been unable to make a delivery as a signature was required. The card invited me to call a number to arrange re-delivery. I called the number, and was greeted by an IVR (incoming voice recording). The voice gave me a number of options, and then asked me to quote the "Parcel Tracking Number. Do not use the phonetic alphabet, just say the letters and numbers."

The Tracking Number begins "PBDP3", followed by a further nine digits.

"This is going to go well", I thought, and I was right. The machine, not surprisingly, failed to recognise the number, after many attempts.

Still, not to worry. "Please tell me your postcode. Do not use phonetics....." My postcode begins DD. No success there either.

If I had set out to design a system to annoy the public, I couldn't have done better.

To cut an already too long story short, I was eventually transferred to a real person, who was most helpful.

[Stanfordian]

This isn't a joke in the accepted sense, but in many respects it is a joke. It involves a conversation I had an hour or so ago with an electronic representative of one of our once most-respected institutions.

I arrived home this evening to find a card saying that Parcelforce - better known to old hands like me as the GPO - had been unable to make a delivery as a signature was required. The card invited me to call a number to arrange re-delivery. I called the number, and was greeted by an IVR (incoming voice recording). The voice gave me a number of options, and then asked me to quote the "Parcel Tracking Number. Do not use the phonetic alphabet, just say the letters and numbers."

The Tracking Number begins "PBDP3", followed by a further nine digits.

"This is going to go well", I thought, and I was right. The machine, not surprisingly, failed to recognise the number, after a number of attempts.

Still, not to worry. "Please tell me your postcode. Do not use phonetics....." My postcode begins DD. No success there either.

To cut an already too long story short, I was eventually transferred to a real person, who was most helpful.

If I had set out to design a system to annoy the public, I couldn't have done better.

Hiya mangerton,

It's certainly no joke!

[johncorrigan]

If I had set out to design a system to annoy the public, I couldn't have done better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqAu-DDlINs

[mangerton]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqAu-DDlINs

Oh my goodness. There were bits of that I could certainly relate to.

[ahinton]

Oh my goodness. There were bits of that I could certainly relate to.

Elev-

-ator?

Speaking of accents, speech and the like, there's a ridiculous thing in next week's Radio Times about the most appealing presenter's voice on BBC radio. OK, in the women's section, it would have to be between Kirsty Rae and Susan Young, of course (but then, being Scawttish, I wooood say that, woooodn't I? - sorry, Sarah and Sara) and in the men's we Today find John Humphrys Masterminding against Lord Berkeley of Knighton, privately and passionately. What's to be done, other than wonder just how much lower BBC, during its death-knell, is capable of stooping?...

[Dave2002]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqAu-DDlINs

Brilliant!

But very frightening!