Current favourite jokes

[Curalach]

I can't begin to imagine what the party was like!
Going back to Billy Wilder - my favourite closing line is in 'Some like it hot'

The party was better than you might expect and "Some like it Hot" is probably my favourite film of all time!

When Stéphane Denève first introduced himself to RSNO audiences he apologised for his accent saying "I'm French . . . nobody's perfect!
Brought the house down.

[Flosshilde]

I couldn't remember who played Osgood - Joe E. Brown, of course. Wonderful dead-pan delivery. His biography is rather sad - after a brilliant film career in the mid 30s he rather disappeared, until 'Some like it hot' - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0113873/bio

[EdgeleyRob]

Just been up in the loft to get the christmas decorations down.
While I was up there I found a present we should have given to the kids last year.
They would have loved that dog.

[EdgeleyRob]

Police are treating the death of Joe Frazier as suspicious.They are currently grilling George Foreman.

[Stillhomewardbound]

Most good. most good.

ALI be praised!!

[teamsaint]

Just been up in the loft to get the christmas decorations down.
While I was up there I found a present we should have given to the kids last year.
They would have loved that dog.

made the folks at work LOL .

Nice one.

[EdgeleyRob]

It's nearly that time of the year when that idiot with the beard turns up with naff presents for the kids.

I really don't like the mother in law.

[johncorrigan]

I sat with a grin on my face for half an hour this evening watching old Jews tell jokes on Beeb 4.
The doctor says to Cohen,'You're going to have to stop masturbating.'
'Why Doc?' says Cohen.
'So I can examine you', replies the Doc.

Well worth a watch I thought.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01777fr

[Roehre]

They really don't have any mercy with those Welsh.
Putting my mother-in-law on their national flag.

[EdgeleyRob]

For his birthday I gave my son an i Phone, my daughter received an i Pod for her's, and for my birthday I was pleased to receive an i Pad.
Thinking along the same lines I got my wife an i ron - and that's when the fight started..........

[Spatny]

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a
similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.

When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he
wondered how he could afford such a house.


The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there?

The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge,
but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this
house could be built".


The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town.


He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps,

marble floors, it was marvellous.


When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek
said; "You see that bridge over there?"


The Spaniard replied; "No."

[EdgeleyRob]

Received an e-mail today and all it said was gbna.
I think that's bang out of order.

[johncorrigan]

Received an e-mail today and all it said was gbna.
I think that's bang out of order.

Which reminds me, ER, of the dyslexic pimp who bought himself a warehouse!

[Flay]

Sorry in advance, but I can't resist sharing this one with you: -

A young couple wanted to join the church. The priest told them, “We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.”

The couple agreed, but after two and a half weeks they returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. “You are back so soon... Is there a problem?” the priest enquired.

“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,” the young man replied sadly

The priest asked him what happened.

“Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer we managed to abstain. Unfortunately the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.”

“One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of beans and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,” admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, “You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.”

“We know,” said the young man, hanging his head.

“We're not welcome in Tesco's, either!!”

[johncorrigan]

Sorry in advance, but I can't resist sharing this one with you: -

A young couple wanted to join the church. The priest told them, “We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.”

The couple agreed, but after two and a half weeks they returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. “You are back so soon... Is there a problem?” the priest enquired.

“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,” the young man replied sadly

The priest asked him what happened.

“Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer we managed to abstain. Unfortunately the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.”

“One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of beans and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,” admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, “You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.”

“We know,” said the young man, hanging his head.

“We're not welcome in Tesco's, either!!”

no apology required!