Current favourite jokes

[Ferretfancy]

Following on from the Queen Mary thread for no apparent reason, what are our current favourite jokes ( not too naughty ! )

Here's mine :-

A lady was passing a pet shop and saw a beautiful parrot, but was surprised to see it so cheap, so she asked the shopkeeper why.

" It's like this, we've only had it a few days, but it previously lived in a house of ill fame, and it may have learned some bad habits"

"Never mind that, it's a bargain, I'll buy it"

The lady took the parrot home in its cage, and put it down on the kitchen table. It cocked its head on one side, and said -

"New premises ! Very nice ! very nice ! " The new owner was not amused.

Shortly afterwards her two daughters came home from work. The parrot cocked its head and said-

" New girls! New Girls ! Very nice! Very Nice! '

"Oh Mum!" said the daughters, " You'll have to send it back"

Just then, the lady's husband came home.

The parrot cocked its head and said -

" ' Allo Keith! "

PS There was a nice documentary about ferrets the other night - nothing I didn't know.

[vinteuil]

"This girl went into a bar, and asked the barman for a Double Entendre.

So he gave her one."

[Alison]

Q What's the difference between Tottenham Hotpsur and a triangle ?

A A triangle has three points.

[Anna]

Two Cannibals are eating a Clown

"Does this taste funny to you?"

[Serial_Apologist]

A woman goes to a pet shop, and buys a vulture

The next day, at midday, as instructed, she goes to feed the vulture, to find the cage door open, and the bird has flown.

In a panic, she phones the police and the RSPCA, and wanders the district in search - all to no avail.

On returning home at 2 pm, to her astonishment, the bird is back in its cage.

The next day, same thing happens: 12 noon -bird cage empty, bird flown. 2 pm - back in cage. And so on, every day for a week

Eventually the woman returns to the pet shop to complain. "Ah madam", says the pet shop owner, "you say that, every day, at 12 o'clock, you go to feed the bird, and find that he has escaped? And at 2 pm he is back in his cage?" "That is right" the woman states. "Well, madam" replies the pet shop owner, "I shouild have mentioned; see - he is a luncheon vulture".

[Serial_Apologist]

Imagine thisas being somewhere in the States...

The conductor of a local orchestra is rehearsing. It is a clarinet concerto. The clarinet soloist constantly fluffs her entries. The conductor becomes more and more agitated. Eventually, he strides over to her, grabs her by the throat, squeezes and squeezes and squeezes... and she is dead!

Arrested and accordingly charged with murder, the conductor is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair.

Come the day of execution, the prison warder asks him, "Do you have any last request?"

"Yes, says the conductor, "bring me a banana".

A banana is thereupon procured. The conductor peels the banana, eats it, and puts the banana skin in his pocket. He is strapped into the chair; a signal is given and the shock administered. And nothing happens! The conductor serves several years in gaol, and on release, moves to another town, where he takes up a new position as conductor of the local orchestra.

One day, in rehearsal, the timpanist repeatedly misses his entries. The conductor becomes increasingly agitated, and, as before, walks up to the timpanist, grabs him by the throat, and strangles him to death!

He is arrested, charged with murder, and sentenced to the electric chair. "Any last request?", asks the gaoler; "Yes, I'd like a banana". He takes it, removes the skin, puts it in his pocket, and eats the banana. The shock is administered, and... again... nothing happens! Once more, he serves his sentence, and on release moves to a new location, where once more (believe it or not!) he is appointed conductor of the local orchestra.

Same thing happens in rehearsal one day. Violinist keeps making mistakes; conductor loses control, strangles him, is arrested, charged with murder, found guilty, sentenced to the electric chair... asks for banana, eats it, puts the skin in his pocket, shock administered, and nothing happens.

"Tell us, please tell us how you do it!" says the prison governor; "How is it that, time after time, you commit murder, are sentenced to the electric chair, but when we press the button, nothing happens? How do you explain this extraordinary phenomenon - because we'd really like to know?"

"It's all perfectly simple, really", answers the man, "you see, I'm a bad conductor"

S-A

[Flosshilde]

Very good, S-A - I was convinced the banana skins would be significant!

[Serial_Apologist]

Not mushroom for another shaggy dog story

Very good, S-A - I was convinced the banana skins would be significant!

It's a good one, isn't it! I always loved to see people's expressions when the punch line comes, and they say "Oooooh !"

A man is to be executed the next day. "As this will be your last meal, you can have anything you wish to have", says the gaoler; "What would you like to eat?" "Mushrooms" he replies. "Nothing else?" asks the gaoler; "Mushrooms will do very nicely. Sauteed if that's possible," replies the prisoner. A plate of sauteed mushrooms is placed before him, which he eats, and then thanks the gaoler. "Why did you choose mushrooms?" they ask him; "Well, I never tried them before" says the man. "Never eaten mushrooms before? How come?" "Well", replies the prisoner, "Because I never dared".

[Petrushka]

This has been my favourite joke for years but no-one seems to find it anywhere near as funny as I do. Don't know why I do either. Just do.

The scene is a Wild West saloon bar, girls dancing, cowboys playing cards when all of a sudden the doors swing open and a guy shouts: 'Big Jake's in town!!'
Girls flee, cards and drinks fall to the floor as everybody panics in terror. The saloon doors burst open again and in comes an 8 foot giant of a man, a bison under each arm, the floor shakes as he stamps over to the bar. He throws the bison into each corner and roars: 'Get me a whiskey!' The trembling barman quickly hands one over. It's downed in one gulp. The terrified barman asks: 'Won't you have another?'

'Not likely', thunders the giant, 'Big Jake's in town'!!

[Richard Tarleton]

I love it.

I found the following whilst looking for helpful links for the left handed cellist thread:

Conversation over dinner:

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

[Serial_Apologist]

[Serial_Apologist]

Man goes into a bar with his dog. The dog grabs a hat which is on the bar, and proceeds to chew it to bits. The dog owner bursts out laughing. "Hey", says the owner of the hat, "I don't like your attitude!" "It's not my attitude", replies the other, "It's your hat he chewed!"

- Heard that long, long ago - possibly either Tommy Trinder or Arthur Askey

Man goes into a bar with a giraffe, and orders a pint of bitter and ten gallons for the giraffe. After drinking the beer, the giraffe falls to the floor in a huge heap. "Cheerio then", says the customer, leaving. "Oi!" shouts the publican, "You ain't leaving that lyin' there!" "That ain't no lion, that's a giraffe", answers the customer.

[Stunsworth]

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"

A man walks into a bar and sees Vincent Van Gogh. "Vincent, can I buy you a drink?" he asks. "No" says Vincent "I've got one 'ere"

[Serial_Apologist]

I thought was, Van Gogh goes up to this prostitute and hands her a parcel. "'Ello! What's this 'ere?" she asks.

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A man arranges to meet his wife at Piccadilly Circus. Arriving at the appointed place with half an hour to spare, he decides to take a stroll up into Soho. A prostitute stops him and says, "Fancy some business?" "Er, I can only afford £20" says the man sheepishly. "Twenty Quid?? you must be joking! £50 for a quick one's my minimum". After haggling unsuccessfully for five minutes, the man looks at his watch; time is moving on and he mustn't be late for his wife! There she is, at the appointed place. "Why don't we go and have lunch in that nice little restaurant we used to go to when we were courting?" suggests the wife. "Oh, that one in Soho? I'm sure it must be closed now; in fact yes, I'm quite certain", says the husband. "Nonesense", says the wife, "My sister had a meal there only the other day". They proceed arm-in-arm up the street where the man has just been. The prostitute is still there. As they pass by her, she says to the man, "See what you get for twenty quid!".

[salymap]

A man heard the advice in an advert 'Go to work on an Egg'. When he got to work he told his friends what he has done. "It wouldn't start" he said "but I pulled out the yolk and it's all white now".