It sort of goes like this.
I am the least physical person on earth other than in terms of walking. My fitness which was never great is currently worse. I have huge fears. I get worried about being in crowded rooms or trains. I am deeply afraid - timid - of attitudes - that sort of "he has a no right to be here" - especially where the experienced are concerned and chavs and the young and the holier than thou. Almost anybody. I've never been too concerned about throwing physical caution to the winds. That is partially because it isn't socially demanding, on paper, and also for as long as it is concept only I can drive myself along. God forbid that I start thinking about bodies - especially mine. And it is a remarkable thing. It was precisely that ethereal concept which got me into gliders and kayaks last year. Any ideas of the physicality would not have done. I had no concept of what those would entail but having got there felt that I had to go through with them. Ego. Well, I got the kayaking cert but largely I was a disgrace. Only just managed not to pull all the greats and goods down but alright enough to achieve.
And it was eight hours intensive over two days which I managed. So then I rang up Dorking on motorbikes. He sounded militaristic. Didn't want to take me on board because there had been serious injuries with novices at a well known firm and the whole idea of it in his view was ridiculous. But now I'm being offered a course in Sussex. It's one day and it's pricy. It's for people who have no experience on bikes whatsoever which seems wild but most are probably ultra sport and aged 21. The videos show people who say that they ached in every part of themselves after just five minutes and had to pick mud out of every orifice. So should I go through with this and I admit it is a kind of vehement rage against nothing of relevance* plus conceptually expansive or try to acquire an "I've lost it not that I ever had it" dignity? My individuality now is not such a huge social issue for me - like it or lump it to a degree with its myriad of complexities - but I don't want to do myself a major injury or muck things up on the day for other people to whom I feel more responsibility and have always overly done.
*Dylan Thomas - Do Not Go Gently etc - but I would be the only one there for poetry.
(I don't go at all for dare devilment,and in these days that is increasingly corporate, speed, power or attitudinal conflict which is inevitably the case with such things but I am taken to armoured layers, often felt necessary, concepts of more engine and freedom and new experience - I don't fit into any category identifiably but the age and state will raise questions)
I am the least physical person on earth other than in terms of walking. My fitness which was never great is currently worse. I have huge fears. I get worried about being in crowded rooms or trains. I am deeply afraid - timid - of attitudes - that sort of "he has a no right to be here" - especially where the experienced are concerned and chavs and the young and the holier than thou. Almost anybody. I've never been too concerned about throwing physical caution to the winds. That is partially because it isn't socially demanding, on paper, and also for as long as it is concept only I can drive myself along. God forbid that I start thinking about bodies - especially mine. And it is a remarkable thing. It was precisely that ethereal concept which got me into gliders and kayaks last year. Any ideas of the physicality would not have done. I had no concept of what those would entail but having got there felt that I had to go through with them. Ego. Well, I got the kayaking cert but largely I was a disgrace. Only just managed not to pull all the greats and goods down but alright enough to achieve.
And it was eight hours intensive over two days which I managed. So then I rang up Dorking on motorbikes. He sounded militaristic. Didn't want to take me on board because there had been serious injuries with novices at a well known firm and the whole idea of it in his view was ridiculous. But now I'm being offered a course in Sussex. It's one day and it's pricy. It's for people who have no experience on bikes whatsoever which seems wild but most are probably ultra sport and aged 21. The videos show people who say that they ached in every part of themselves after just five minutes and had to pick mud out of every orifice. So should I go through with this and I admit it is a kind of vehement rage against nothing of relevance* plus conceptually expansive or try to acquire an "I've lost it not that I ever had it" dignity? My individuality now is not such a huge social issue for me - like it or lump it to a degree with its myriad of complexities - but I don't want to do myself a major injury or muck things up on the day for other people to whom I feel more responsibility and have always overly done.
*Dylan Thomas - Do Not Go Gently etc - but I would be the only one there for poetry.
(I don't go at all for dare devilment,and in these days that is increasingly corporate, speed, power or attitudinal conflict which is inevitably the case with such things but I am taken to armoured layers, often felt necessary, concepts of more engine and freedom and new experience - I don't fit into any category identifiably but the age and state will raise questions)
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