My late husband was as keen on music as I am, and we liked the same composers on the whole. I can't imagine it any other way. We also shared political and social views. I'm always surprised when I hear of partnerships where this isn't the case. Our main point of difference was that he was mad about fine wines, and I couldn't care less, though we both enjoyed food. I think he was a bit disappointed when he discovered that nothing on earth was going to make me go camping!
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Me?? Oh for heaven's sake no, not at all...I'm such a peculiar case, there's no generalizing from my particular examples whatsoever.are some hereabouts e.g. Cavatina saying that although I had no love for classical when Lady Gould and I married that when it grew in me and found not the faintest echo in her we should have divorced immediately and packed our 5 children off to Marshelsea?
And for what it's worth, loving the same music is no guarantee of lasting happiness-- or anything, really. In fact, I daresay the weirdest, most unwholesome "relationship" (I use the term advisedly) I've ever experienced in my life was with a fearsomely magnificent oddball of a woman who had exactly the same taste in music I do. Absolutely uncanny...sigh. I really shouldn't go into it, but let's just say my husband hated her with a passion and it all went downhill from there. Oh my God, what a mess! So on second thought, "sharing an intensity of feeling" isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Be careful what you wish for!
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Back in the days when I was looking for a life's partner, I was much more interested in finding someone I could admire and enjoy for such attributes as values in common with mine, intelligence, education, ambition, a reasonable number of virtues, and willingness to carry on a conversation than I was in someone to share my music. In the years since marriage, I have learned that one must go a certain length in participating in spousal interests, but what really counts is understanding and tolerance of those passions rather than participating lock-step. I am happy to pursue my own interests and encourage my spouse in his. Happily, as a result of mutual tolerance, we have developed some interests we can share. Others remain solitary… Thank God for headphones!Comment
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Very true. I think it is possible to have 'too much' in common with someone else, to the point where you just cancel each other out. A bit of divergence/disagreement is necessary, I think....'to add salt to the stew'.Originally posted by Estelle View PostComment
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I never saw it that way. If you can't relate to someone on a profound level, what's the point? As I said, for me it's not about particular works (or even genres), it's about having the same intellectual curiosity, voracious appetite for learning and new experiences, and passionate approach to life. Once that's in place, sharing the same taste is a pleasant by-product. (I'm anything but narrow, so there's always room to grow!) Besides, I'm simply not temperamentally suited to doing relationships casually...lovers and acquaintances are a dime a dozen, but building deep, lasting friendships with people who truly "get" you is a precious thing.Very true. I think it is possible to have 'too much' in common with someone else, to the point where you just cancel each other out.
In my experience, the problems come not from "cancelling each other out", but creating an intensely enmeshed "emotional feedback loop"-- if you will-- that has the power to either bring out the best in you, or bring out the worst in you. The older I get, the better I know myself-- and the easier it is to step away from impossible situations that aren't headed anywhere but heartache.Comment
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This sounds like a case of parsing one's own failure to find the ideal mate. Only you will know whether this compromise is one worth taking.Originally posted by Mandryka View PostComment
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I'm afraid I haven't got a clue what you mean. I could object to your midly accusatory tone, but that would require too much energy on my part.Originally posted by Panjandrum View PostComment
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I find this a fascinating thread. My former partner (who died) and I shared all the same musical passions, including Wagner. My new partner (well, we've been together for over two years) is totally different. We went to Amsterdam together to hear Kelis (think Beyonce but no so famous), which is as far as I've gone in her direction - unfortunately I was running a high fever that night and wouldn't have enjoyed anything. Otoh, I've dragged her to concerts and to Cosi, Vixen, Salome and L'Elisir, all of which she - well - tolerated, I guess. She also indicates her feelings sometimes by falling asleep during the performance, and says that a lot of "my" music makes her sleepy.
So now I have a real dilemma. Over four nights in Bayreuth in August, I have (a) one ticket for Meistersinger, (b) the opportunity to see the Siemens Festspielnacht live relay of Lohengrin on a big outdoor screen in a park in Bayreuth, and finally (c) two tickets (top price) for Parsifal. What do I do? She wants to come because she likes new places, even though I've told her that - as a town - Bayreuth is nothing special, and that if she doesn't come with me to (b) or (c) she'll have to amuse herself for 7 to 10 hours on each of those days - as she will while I attend (a). She doesn't speak German, btw. I could offer the second Parsifal ticket to a friend who would dearly love it, or return it to the box office now, or - and this is my current preference - wait and see if she enjoys Lohengrin (where she doesn't have to sit still and in total silence, I guess) and - in the unlikely even that she does - introduce her to the full-on Festspielhaus experience via Herheim's much-acclaimed and visually - I have read - very engaging production.
All advice welcome! The problem is compounded by the fact that her upbringing has given her what for me is an over-developed sense that a wife / partner's "duty" is to do what the male wants and says - she often doesn't tell me what she really feels about the new experiences which I offer / impose upon her.Comment
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Originally posted by Mandryka View PostIt isn't given us to know those rare moments when people are wide open and the lightest touch can wither or heal. A moment too late and we can never reach them any more in this world.Comment
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When you reach the point where you're finishing each other's sentence (and I think those two have reached it), then I think it's time to accept that you've gone badly wrong.Originally posted by french frank View PostComment
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Originally posted by tom_960 View Post
I don't know about you, Tom, but if my other half fell asleep at something I'd dragged her to, I'd feel discouraged about taking her to future events that I was enthusiastic about but she was cool on. I'd really rather see something alone than be with someone who didn't share my zeal.
Btw, this sense that you have to 'accompany' your other half seems to run very deep in some people, like it's akin to the 'for richer for poorer' marriage vow. Personally, I think it should be discouraged. Shared values/complementary personalities matter far more than having identikit tastes.Comment
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"Badly wrong"? Oh, not at all! That's when you know someone is really on your wavelength...if you've never had that kind of closeness, you don't know what you're missing.Originally posted by Mandryka View Post
As far as I'm concerned, if you can't finish each other's sentences, you're practically strangers. All it takes is being mutually sensitive and intuitive; I tend to reach that point fairly quickly. In fact, my two best FRIENDS and I are so tight we finish each others' sentences more days of the week than not. Wow...I simply wouldn't feel like it's a real relationship unless we were mentally intimate as well.
To my mind, shallow, physically-oriented relationships aren't worth the time and trouble-- what's the point of spending time with people you can barely relate to, when you could be enjoying life in the company of those who fully appreciate you on a number of levels? Ugh, I'll take my sentence-fininshing real friends over those "romantic" timewasters any time.Last edited by Guest; 20-06-11, 18:43.Comment
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Go by yourself (or take a Wagner-loving friend) instead of wasting space on someone who's just going to disrespect the music and venue by catching up on her beauty sleep. Seeing her act bored in the presence of music you love seems more painful than fun...don't put yourself through it.All advice welcome!
Perhaps you should both work with a couples counselor to develop better communication skills. Two years isn't very long; how serious are you about each other? Do you really want to be with someone long-term who's only acting out of duty? Maybe it's time to take stock of what you're really getting out of this relationship. In any event, it would probably be much healthier if you both made new friends to share your experiences and interests with rather than being each others' "be all and end all".The problem is compounded by the fact that her upbringing has given her what for me is an over-developed sense that a wife / partner's "duty" is to do what the male wants and says - she often doesn't tell me what she really feels about the new experiences which I offer / impose upon her.Comment
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This seems, to me, a very generational thing, or possibly we are talking about a cultural attitude? My mother was exactly like that in bowing to the male because of, as she perceived it, their innate superiority in all things. It did mean that she denied herself pleasures (i.e. Opera) because of her attitude.Originally posted by Mandryka View Post
As to finishing each others' sentences, I have close friends and family where that happens. It merely means you know each other so well. I also think shared values/complementary personalities rather than being two peas in a pod makes for a sparkier, rather than comfortable but dull, relationship. However, we're all different and there is no 'one size fits all' formula when it comes to who you love. Maybe, as cavatina says, I'm a romantic time-waster?
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