Have a PC Christmas

[Don Petter]

Brilliant - just like The Star! (which was probably a Supernova)

If the Magi were from the East, and the star was seen in the East, why didn't they just wander off in the wrong direction?

[ahinton]

If the Magi were from the East, and the star was seen in the East, why didn't they just wander off in the wrong direction?

They were probably seduced (though by quite what I have considerably less than no idea) into partaking of their journey via Ryanair.

[Petrushka]

I love The Goodies Christmas Card List:


Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Muss
Jess Likedee
Juan Swee
Hugh Sterno
Wendy Treetops-Glissen
Ann Chilled-Wren
Liz Ann
"Two Ears" Laybelle
Cindy Snow
Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Musswith
Avery Crease
Miss Carr
Dai Wright
Mayor Dazebee
Mary Ann Bright
Ann May Hall York Rhys
Mrs B White

[ardcarp]

partaking of their journey via Ryanair.

...this has been around for a few years too, but it still makes me laugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc

[mangerton]

If the Magi were from the East, and the star was seen in the East, why didn't they just wander off in the wrong direction?

Miss m (BA hons in theology) has just pointed out that the words state "westward leading, still proceeding". She might have a point.

[DracoM]

So they were already in the east, saw a star 'in the east', really heading for....? Sso SHOULD they have been heading for......China? Or did they mean that 'we were in the East, and saw this star we followed'? I mean, how far east were they when they saw this star?

So'westward leading' means this star / comet or drone or whatever was travelling east to west, but east from where? And at what sort of speed?

Wish I'd never started this.

[ardcarp]

...just stick Amahl and the Night Visitors on the CD player and it will seem unimportant.

[mangerton]

So they were already in the east, saw a star 'in the east', really heading for....? Sso SHOULD they have been heading for......China? Or did they mean that 'we were in the East, and saw this star we followed'? I mean, how far east were they when they saw this star?

So'westward leading' means this star / comet or drone or whatever was travelling east to west, but east from where? And at what sort of speed?

It could well have been a drone, come to think of it. After all, there was no air traffic control in those days.

"Flight BA 123.... you have angels off the starboard bow. Turn ten degrees to port." Speedwise, I should have thought the speed of light.

Wish I'd never started this.

I'm sure we've all started or continued things that on reflection.....

[Eine Alpensinfonie]

Miss m (BA hons in theology) has just pointed out that the words state "westward leading, still proceeding". She might have a point.

That is according to "We Three Kings". They weren't kings and no-one has the faintest idea how many there were.

[Eine Alpensinfonie]

How about? -

Twelve Days of Christmas
A Correspondence
John Julius Norwich

25th December

My dearest darling
That partridge, in that lovely little pear tree! What a
enchanting, romantic,poetic present! Bless you and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily


26th December

Mr dearest darling Edward
The two turtle doves arrived this morning and are cooing
away in the pear tree as I write. I'm so touched and
grateful.
With undying love, as always, Emily


27th December

My darling Edward

You do thinks of the most original presents: whoever
thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really
come all the way from France? It's a pity that we have no
chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Thank you,
anyway, they're lovely.
Your loving Emily


28th December

Dearest Edward

What a surprise - four calling birds arrived this morning.
They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly -
they make telephoning impossible. Bit I expect they'll calm
down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very
grateful - of course I am.
Love from Emily

29th December

Dearest Edward

The postman has just delivered five most beautiful gold
rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly. A
really lovely present -lovelier in a way than birds, which do
take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived
yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid
none of use got much sleep last night. Mummy says she wants
us to use the rings to 'wring' their necks - she's only
joking, I think; though I know what she means. But I love
the rings. Bless you
Love, Emily


30th December

Dear Edward

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door
this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese
laying eggs all over the doorstep. Frankly, I rather hoped
you had stopped sending me birds - we have no room for them
and they have already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you
meant well, but - let's call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily


31st December

Edward

I thought I said no more birds; but this morning I woke up
to find no less than seven swans all trying to get into our
tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not thinks what happened to
the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds - to
say nothing of what they leave behind them. Please, please
STOP
Your Emily


1st January

Frankly, I think I prefer the birds. What am I to do with
eight milkmaids - AND their cows? Is this some kind of a
joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily


2nd January

Look here Edward, this has gone far enough. You say you're
sending me nine ladies dancing; all I can say is that judging
from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The
village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of
shameless hussies with nothing on but their lipstick
cavorting round the green - and it's Mummy and I who get
blamed. If you value our friendship - which I do less and
less - kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once.
Emily


3rd January

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are
prancing abour all over what used to be the garden -before
the geese and the swans and the cows got at it; and several
of them, I notice, are taking inexcusable liberties with the
milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us
evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily


4th January

This is the last straw. You know I detest bagpipes. The
place has now become something between a menagerie and a
madhouse and a man from the Council has just declared it
unfit for habitation. At least Mummy has been spared this
last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an
ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.


5th January

Sir
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform
you that with the arrival on her premises a half-past seven
this morning of the entire percussion section of the
Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra and several of their friends
she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction
to prevent your importuning her further. I am making
arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
G.CREEP
Solicitor-at-law

[amateur51]

Many thanks for the JJ Norwich-spoof Alpie - still drying my eye here

Good to see that you're gettting the hang of this retirement lark

[Eine Alpensinfonie]

Then there's this one from the '80s:-

A young woman, Mary, who’d recently reached school-leaving age, was planning to marry a local self-employed furniture manufacturer called Joseph. His small business had been created without government subsidy, and was showing good end-of-year profits.

The guest list for the wedding hadn’t yet been drawn up, but parental consent had been given and plans were well in hand.

Shortly before Joseph’s mid-year stock-taking, Mary indicated that she had been for confidential pregnancy tests and that these had proved positive. She claimed to have seen an extra-terrestrial being, telling her that his leader was responsible. Joseph was suspicious, but didn’t want Mary to become a one-parent family. The extra-terrestrial recommended that Joseph went ahead with an early marriage and suggested consultation with the Nazareth branch of “Relate”.

Shortly before the baby was due, the entire population was ordered by the army of occupation to go back to their birthplaces for a census. Joseph was from Bethlehem on the Israeli-occupied West Bank, and, being a budget-conscious environmentalist, he took Mary there by donkey. Being temporarily out of pocket, and without a credit card, they toured
various pubs and hotels, hoping for late cancellations, but double-booking was the order of the day, and the best they could manage was a cow-shed and silo. After a short sleep, Mary woke Joseph and told him that the baby was coming. The delivery was achieved without complications, and Joseph estimated that the baby weighed around 3.2 kg. Mary said
they must tell cousins Liz and Zach as soon as possible. Not far from the outer suburbs of Bethlehem, a group of agricultural livestock employees were on the Green Belt doing night-shift, erecting an electric fence to prevent the ewes from mixing with those being selected for early lambing. The repair was soon completed, so they decided to take a short nap, only to be awoken by what appeared to be a nuclear explosion. In a blind panic, they ran back to the barn in search of their old copies of Protect and Survive. They, quite unexpectedly, they heard the voice of an extra-terrestrial (similar to the one Mary had met). This one, however, was high in the sky, along with a number of others, all apparently suspended from giant parachutes. Their leader told them not to panic, while the others sang a new song which was destined to become a hit in subsequent years. Then the extra-terrestrial beings told the farm workers to go into Bethlehem to find the baby in the cow-shed. Al though they were told to leave their sheep, a few woolly creatures tagged along behind, to get their pictures on the Advent Calendar.

Meanwhile, a group of intelligent star gazers had abandoned their observatory to follow the path of a comet which appeared only once every 76 years. The oldest of them had seen it when a small boy and they were all travelling by camel to the part of the world where it was predicted they could obtain the best viewing without a telescope. The other two claimed an important person was to be born beneath it.

When they arrived in Jerusalem, they asked the Prime Minister for help. They could no longer see the comet as it was cloudy. The Prime Minister was pleased to co-operate, but when he heard about the baby, asked for a public enquiry to ascertain whether or not this child was likely to plan a revolution and overthrow him. Then he changed his mind and asked the Secret Police to investigate.

When the star-gazers went out again, they saw the comet, which appeared brighter than before, and they managed to avoid any confrontation with Israeli troops looking for the child. By the time they reached Bethlehem, the comet was directly overhead, in Pisces. After a few discrete enquiries in the town, local publicans directed the men to the cowshed, complaining bitterly that the family had stayed there for so long, even thought they now had plenty of vacancies at favourable rates.

The first man gave the baby a certificate for gold shares, which the child screwed up and put in his mouth. The second man gave him some sticks of incense, which Joseph quickly confiscated, fearing that they might contain cannabis. The third man gave him a bottle of myrrh, which Mary promised to keep safely until the baby was older.

Soon afterwards, Joseph and Mary decided the holiday was over and it was time to return home to Nazareth. They called in at a fish and chip shop and heard that in breach of international law and all known human rights conventions, the Prime Minister was planning to kill their child, believing him to be a threat to himself and a future supporter of Arab terrorism. Joseph had had a nightmare about this very possibility on the previous night.

The Prime Minister was planning to make sure of the killing by executing all the babies in Bethlehem that the Secret Police could find. Amnesty International claimed something like this was happening, but, as was so common, the world governments chose to ignore the situation. Joseph’s friends in the furniture trade helped to smuggle the family to the Sinai desert, which was once again in Egyptian hands. Egypt and Israel were formally at peace, but it would have been politically insensitive to have requested extradition. Soon afterwards, the Prime Minister died and was replaced by a more humanitarian successor.

The family returned to Nazareth. Joseph had lost many valued customers during his long absence from furniture making, but the quality of his work ensured that, given time and an upturn in the market, business would flourish. He had new customers in Egypt, provided that he could obtain an export licence. Joseph hoped his son would become his apprentice
after leaving Nazareth Comprehensive School*, but he didn’t yet know that this son was to have other ideas.

*Joseph and Mary did not believe in private education.