Festive bloopers

[scotiaalto]

Slightly off topic, I know, but I always thought that the girl who appears in Faire is the heaven might be rather fun to be with

in full enjoyment of Felicity......

[Nick Armstrong]

Slightly off topic, I know, but I always thought that the girl who appears in Faire is the heaven might be rather fun to be with

in full enjoyment of Felicity......

Particularly when, as in the case of a choir I used to frequent, the choirmaster's daughter was called precisely that...

[Magnificat]

Seven warts on women
Six geezers laying !!

VCC

[ardcarp]

...and we'd better not mention what Joy gets up to.

[Mr Pee]

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily.
————
Beloved Edward, Dec 26
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I’m so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always, Emily.
————
My darling Edward, Dec 27
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely.
Your devoted Emily.
————
Dearest Edward, Dec 28
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly – they make telephoning almost impossible – but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily.
————
Dearest Edward, Dec 29
The mail man has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you, Emily.
————
Dear Edward, Dec 30
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily.
————
Edward, Dec 31
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily.
————
Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing.
Emily.
————
Look here, Edward, Jan 2
This has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. The village just isn’t accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it’s Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily.
————
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily.
————
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you’re satisfied.
————
Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,

G. Creep Attorney at law.

[Contre Bombarde]

Didn't Penelope Keith perform the above on TV?

When at university I was asked to play for Christmas morning Eucharist (Darke in E ) at short notice because of a sudden "illness". We had time before the service for a quick run-through in the choir school of the canticles and those carols with descant. During "It came upon the Midnight Clear", the Ts & Bs made some slightly constipational sounds in verse 3, "Beneath the Angel straaaaiiiiin have rolled...". Being just a young chap of 19, I thought that I'd join in, so in the service played v3 on manuals only and at the appropriate point hit pedal bottom C with Tuba coupled down. Collapse of all parties including, bless him, the DoM

No such fun this year. I'm playing for Midnight Mass, then thanks to my worryingly talented organ scholar taking the reins on Christmas morning, we're off to Paris for Messe Solenelle at St Sulpice.



DIMANCHE 25 DÉCEMBRE: NATIVITÉ DU SEIGNEUR, Solennité


Messes à 7h00, 9h00, 10h30, 12h05, 18h45

10h30: Messe Solennelle

Organiste : Daniel Roth
Prélude (10h 15) : Improvisation sur « Puer natus est » (Un Enfant nous est né)
Offertoire : Allegro non molto – Sonate 5, F.X. Schnizer
Communion : Noël « Or dites-nous Marie », C. Franck
Postlude : Prélude et fugue en ré majeur, J.S. Bach
Audition : Pastorale, C. Franck
Improvisation sur des Noëls

[Magnificat]

Get dressed you married gentlemen!

VCC

[Warwick]

THE MISHEARD:

While shepherds washed their socks by night,
All watching ITV,
The angel of the lord came down,
And switched to BBC.

[bach736]

'Have yourself a very messy Christmas' (a poster in Holy Trinity, Stevenage).

[Serial_Apologist]

On the canteen menu, where I used to work:

"Poached cod"

Someone had changed the c to a g.

[Magnificat]

In view of the exorbitant price of petrol this festive season:

Joyful oily nations rise!

VCC.

[Magnificat]

A topical joke I enjoyed from the paper:

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, " We don't allow Higgs bosons in here". The Higgs boson replies, "But if I'm not here how will you have Mass?"

And a cartoon showing the Three Wise Men outside the Large Hadron Collider plant with a security guard on the telephone saying, " I've got three posh blokes on camels out here who say they have come to adore the God particle."

Well, according to the latest weather forecast we won't be dashing through the snow with one horse, soap and sleigh this year!

VCC

[Serial_Apologist]

A topical joke I enjoyed from the paper:

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, " We don't allow Higgs bosons in here". The Higgs boson replies, "But if I'm not here how will you have Mass?"

And a cartoon showing the Three Wise Men outside the Large Hadron Collider plant with a security guard on the telephone saying, " I've got three posh blokes on camels out here who say they have come to adore the God particle."

Well, according to the latest weather forecast we won't be dashing through the snow with one horse, soap and sleigh this year!

VCC

Very good!

Surprised we haven't yet seen:

"God rest ye Jerry mental men"

and

"We wish you a merry Christmas
And a harpie new year"

[Serial_Apologist]

Litttle boy to mum this morning, in our local Saint Sprees:

"Mummy, who IS Saint Knickerless?"

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

"Mummy, who IS Saint Knickerless?"

Someone who never appears in Pantiemime?