Songs of Praise to get a 'makeover'.....

[Eine Alpensinfonie]

Mass hysteria isn't really a fair assessment. These guys would be just as happy worshipping in much smaller home or 'life' groups and many will do that as well.

The following extract from a parish magazine might offend a few people. If you are of a sensitive nature, please look away.


Happy-Clappy is a term loosely describing what is sometimes called Charismatic Evangelical worship. Advocates of the type of service which practises this form of Christianity refer to them as "worship services", with the implication that other types of service are not proper worship.

Services do not involve continuous clapping and participants do not necessarily look happy for much of the time. The term derives from activities that take place during the singing of some hymns. (The term "hymn" is used here, but in many Happy-Clappy services, they are referred to as "worship songs". Don't worry about this. They are hymns really.)


What to do in a Happy-Clappy Service


Many people who attend their first Happy-Clappy service wonder how to come to terms with the different style. The following is a survival guide:-

When you first enter the venue, you may think you’ve arrived late, as they appear to have started the service already. Don’t panic. It’s only because there appears to be a need to entertain the congregation (sorry - party-goers) to prevent them from getting bored. Anything resembling quietness is taboo, and you must come to terms with that, or you’re sunk.

If you are hard of hearing, don’t be concerned, for everything is amplified. It is not known whether God likes to be shouted at rather than to be listened to, but the revellers seem to enjoy themselves anyway.

Having already sung several choruses before the service has begun, the service opens with a succession of different ones (or they may be the same - it’s often hard to tell).

Now one of the problems many new Happy-Clappy Service goers have to face is what to do with their arms. It is appears to expected of the participants that if they want to be seen to be ”holy“, they must throw their bodies about in a certain prescribed way. Once again, there is nothing to fear. A few simple rules will guide the novice.

1) There are two ways of raising the arms: the ”Masculine Swing“ and the ”Feminine Lift“:

(a) the masculine way involves raising the arm as high and as quickly as possible, bending the wrist back so that the palm of the hand faces forward;

(b) the feminine way is altogether more graceful. The participant cups the hand, with the palm facing upwards. The elbow should remain bent and the hand should reach shoulder level.

When practising the ”Masculine Swing“, please ensure that your collection money is in the other hand. This is the most suitable one to use in choruses. The exact timing is of crucial importance and must be learned carefully. The verse is sung in a fairly subdued way (usually because the melody line is weak and the chord progressions are clumsy). The verses are nearly all 16 bars in length, but some go on even longer. If you are unsure about the length of a verse DO NOT RAISE YOUR ARMS UNTIL THE FOLLOWING VERSE. The exact timing of the masculine swing requires you to begin raising the arm one crotchet beat BEFORE the first beat of the chorus. Maximum height is reached, therefore, on the first beat. However, there is more to learn before full mastery can be claimed. On the first beat of the second line of the chorus, you must give an extra push of the hand, combined with a flick of the wrist. On the third line the whole body should be gesticulated, and on the final line, the body should be in a state of pseudo-ecstasy.

The ”Feminine Lift“ is less clearly defined and may be used at any time when you may be too embarrassed to make a fool of yourself with the ”Masculine Swing“.

Once you have learned these techniques, you are free to use them as prescribed, but if you have any aspirations of becoming a preacher, or any other kind of organiser, think again, for even in the wildest of ”Happy-Clappy services“, the preacher likes to remain in control, believing mass hysteria is good for spreading the Word, but might be less good for people who are expected to think.

Prayers will follow in various parts of the service. You might expect this to be a quieter, more reflective session, and it is. However, do not be surprised if some of the Swingers and Lifters take the opportunity to indulge in insipid sobs at the end of each prayer.

There isn’t a sermon, but there is a speaker. Usually, the speaker will be talking about himself or herself, with God coming a poor second. The message is always the same: ”God loves me“. Problems in the world's trouble-spots really don’t matter in such a service and it is quite wrong for you, the newcomer to expect this, unless the speaker comes from a mission which specialises in such an area.

Bible readings are sometimes part of the service, but don’t ever expect to hear Matthew 6, v.1-8 - not in a Happy-Clappy service!

What about clapping?

You do this in certain hymns as an alternative to the Masculine Swing. You learn which form of activity is acceptable by habit and experience.




Who goes to goes to Happy-Clappy servicess?

• There are the leaders. This does not mean the vicar/minister/parson, etc. "Leaders" are people who put themselves forward as those who know the Right Way to worship. There are strong willed people, often upper middle class, with the "right connections". They will subtly put down all traditionalists in a patronising way and will announce their intention to pray for anyone who disagrees with them.

• The sheep. They do not have a mind of their own, but act like robots throughout the service, doing all the Correct Actions in all the Right Places

• There are parents with children who have been persuaded by the above that this is the sort of service young people will enjoy. The young people do, nevertheless, continue to drop out in their teenage years as they don't like to be patronised either.

• The fundamentalists. These form the bulk of the congregation. Many are Christians through fear of burning in hell for all eternity. Going on holiday means going to Spring Harvest, or something similar; on returning, they maintain that heaven is like one long Spring Harvest. Traditionalists who hear this make a point of increasing their daily sins as a way of avoiding going to such a place.

• The knees-uppers. Those who just want to have a good time.

[Pabmusic]

...Now one of the problems many new Happy-Clappy Service goers have to face is what to do with their arms. It is appears to expected of the participants that if they want to be seen to be ”holy“, they must throw their bodies about in a certain prescribed way. Once again, there is nothing to fear. A few simple rules will guide the novice.

1) There are two ways of raising the arms: the ”Masculine Swing“ and the ”Feminine Lift“:

(a) the masculine way involves raising the arm as high and as quickly as possible, bending the wrist back so that the palm of the hand faces forward;

(b) the feminine way is altogether more graceful. The participant cups the hand, with the palm facing upwards. The elbow should remain bent and the hand should reach shoulder level...[/I]

The masculine way was of course popularised by Hitler (who did such a very good job for Christianity and the Catholic Church) at rallies of mass hysteria. As for the feminine way (very popular here in the Philippines when they get to the Lord's Prayer) I have an old friend who used to be a Church-in-Wales priest who is always incensed by this, for it is the gesture a priest uses to offer the bread and wine to God in communion.

[Pabmusic]

T...These guys would be just as happy worshipping in much smaller home or 'life' groups and many will do that as well.

Which of course be closer to biblical instruction (Matthew 6:6) - "But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly".

[BBMmk2]

I better not say anything, as it would be rather nor foul fiend, to quote a hymn!

[Pabmusic]

I better not say anything, as it would be rather nor foul fiend, to quote a hymn!

I've never been called a foul fiend, nor a scurvy knave, but either would be fun.

[RVW's hymn, to the tune of the folksong 'The Ploughboy's Dream' dates from 1904, though Bunyan's words are much older.]

[french frank]

The following extract from a parish magazine might offend a few people. If you are of a sensitive nature, please look away.

It sounds a bit like a 'parish magazine' article bent on ridiculing the practices and people, doesn't it? I don't think it does any credit at all - either to the writer or, particularly, to the magazine that published it.

But that's just from a neutral standpoint. I must just be of a sensitive nature

[EnemyoftheStoat]

Now one of the problems many new Happy-Clappy Service goers have to face is what to do with their arms..

Easy... Hands down, all those for coffee.

[EnemyoftheStoat]

You are a bit out of touch Alpie. No self respecting charismatic would be heard dead singing Shine Jesus Shine!

Have they done the "grown-up composition" and "proper poetry" courses, then?

[jean]

It sounds a bit like a 'parish magazine' article bent on ridiculing the practices and people, doesn't it? I don't think it does any credit at all - either to the writer or, particularly, to the magazine that published it.

I have read articles in (usually nonconformist) church magazines excoriating Romish practices within other denominations.

But it's a long time since I've seen anything similar; the different groups of Christians are all usually a bit more polite to each other these days, perhaps from an awareness that there aren't that many of any of them left.

[gurnemanz]

Interesting comments above. I used to be taken to church as a child and remember that the hymns were the only part of the service which provided any interest amongst the boredom of the prayers, liturgy, sermon etc. I last attended a church service other than weddings, funerals and christenings over 50 years ago when I was about 12 with the consequence that I only know the old hymns, some of which I like very much and I do occasionally watch SoP with some pleasure. I am lost to the new style church songs which usually seem rather trite to me and probably will never watch any updated version.

[Pabmusic]

...the hymns were the only part of the service which provided any interest amongst the boredom of the prayers, liturgy, sermon etc. ...

I may have this date slightly wrong, but I understand that the CofE did not permit the singing of hymns in church until (?) 1823. Before that, all singing in church had to of be the words from the bible - which explains the prevalence of psalm-singing in the Anglican tradition. It was the Methodists who popularised hymn-singing in England (hence the Wesleys - Charles and John - cousins of the composer Garret Wesley, later 1st Earl of Mornington. His eldest son changed the family name to Wellesley and his younger brother Arthur became the 1st Duke of Wellington).

[Vox Humana]

I may have this date slightly wrong, but I understand that the CofE did not permit the singing of hymns in church until (?) 1823. Before that, all singing in church had to of be the words from the bible - which explains the prevalence of psalm-singing in the Anglican tradition. It was the Methodists who popularised hymn-singing in England.

Just to clarify, in parish churches psalm singing was of hymn-like metrical psalms, so the introduction of hymns is probably best seen as an evolution rather than an innovation. Psalms were sung to Anglican chants only in cathedrals. In parish churches chanting was confined to the canticles until the later nineteenth century. One of the major churches where I live was still reading the psalms in 1890.

[jean]

I may have this date slightly wrong, but I understand that the CofE did not permit the singing of hymns in church until (?) 1823. Before that, all singing in church had to of be the words from the bible - which explains the prevalence of psalm-singing in the Anglican tradition...

The singing of psalms, and of the Canticles, was something the C of E retained from the (Roman) Catholic tradition - but though some of the Canticles are words from the Bible, the Te Deum (for example) certainly isn't.

And what about West Gallery music?

[Pabmusic]

...Psalms were sung to Anglican chants only in cathedrals. In parish churches chanting was confined to the canticles until the later nineteenth century. One of the major churches where I live was still reading the psalms in 1890.

That's very interesting. Thank you.

[Eine Alpensinfonie]

It sounds a bit like a 'parish magazine' article bent on ridiculing the practices and people, doesn't it? I don't think it does any credit at all - either to the writer or, particularly, to the magazine that published it.

It was part of an ongoing discussion, with very strong views on both sides.